God Gives a Song
**This post is steeped in infertility. If this is too weird a topic for you, please don't read it. Thank you. :)**
I am usually surprised at the depths of God's mercy and love, though I shouldn't be. This morning was pretty rough. Not only had I been up much of the night with a terrible sore throat and beginnings of a cold (thanks, Josh! He did end up sharing it with me after all), but our hopes for another baby were dashed again. Josh and I were so hopeful this time too. Things were looking good, and we had begun imagining how we'd tell our family and the ensuing shocked looks on their faces. :) Imagining Noah with a new baby brother or sister. Imagining the suitcase of maternity clothes being aired out again and the clothes actually worn--by me.
Every time this happens--when the bottom drops out on our dreams once more--I feel like I've been flattened. I forget to breathe for a minute as the reality of it hits me like so many hammers. I rarely cry about it anymore. I've been through this so many times that it usually just leaves me numb. I then go about my day, a flimsy shadow of my usual self. Seeing pregnant bellies at the grocery store and pretending not to, answering questions, cleaning the house, doing my chores. After a few days I'm usually back to myself again and you'd never know anything was amiss. The Lord comforts me with His presence and continues to remind me that He is in control.
And you know what happened today? I was making Josh's lunch and caught myself singing a song that only the Lord must have brought to my mind;
When failures in my human strength have weakened all my pride,
And ruined hopes in fallen dreams have crumbled me inside;
It's then by grace I finally see the strength of Jesus Christ,
His victory is real in me when weakness fills my life.
In my weakness He is strong;
In my need He leads me on.
When I come to the end of all I am,
And I place my trust in Him;
That's when His strength begins in my weakness.
Amen!
I am usually surprised at the depths of God's mercy and love, though I shouldn't be. This morning was pretty rough. Not only had I been up much of the night with a terrible sore throat and beginnings of a cold (thanks, Josh! He did end up sharing it with me after all), but our hopes for another baby were dashed again. Josh and I were so hopeful this time too. Things were looking good, and we had begun imagining how we'd tell our family and the ensuing shocked looks on their faces. :) Imagining Noah with a new baby brother or sister. Imagining the suitcase of maternity clothes being aired out again and the clothes actually worn--by me.
Every time this happens--when the bottom drops out on our dreams once more--I feel like I've been flattened. I forget to breathe for a minute as the reality of it hits me like so many hammers. I rarely cry about it anymore. I've been through this so many times that it usually just leaves me numb. I then go about my day, a flimsy shadow of my usual self. Seeing pregnant bellies at the grocery store and pretending not to, answering questions, cleaning the house, doing my chores. After a few days I'm usually back to myself again and you'd never know anything was amiss. The Lord comforts me with His presence and continues to remind me that He is in control.
And you know what happened today? I was making Josh's lunch and caught myself singing a song that only the Lord must have brought to my mind;
When failures in my human strength have weakened all my pride,
And ruined hopes in fallen dreams have crumbled me inside;
It's then by grace I finally see the strength of Jesus Christ,
His victory is real in me when weakness fills my life.
In my weakness He is strong;
In my need He leads me on.
When I come to the end of all I am,
And I place my trust in Him;
That's when His strength begins in my weakness.
Amen!
Comments
I am so sorry, my dear friend. I'm praying for you.
One of my friends here on Guam just posted a similar post. You might find it helpful to read her story: http://theadventureofmotherhood.blogspot.com/2009/06/thoughts-on-miscarriage.html.
"The LORD upholds all who fall, And raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look expectantly to You, And You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand And satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all His ways, Gracious in all His works. The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them." Psalm 145
I love you and I'm praying for you. God will give you comfort and peace.