Our Big God

This is a story all about the miraculous power of our God.  I've been dwelling on Psalm 104 some lately, and yesterday I saw it played out in real life.

"[Man and the animals] all wait for You to give them their food in due season.

You give to them, they gather it up; You open Your hand, they are satisfied with good.

You hide Your face, they are dismayed; You take away their spirit, they expire and return to the dust.

You send forth Your Spirit, they are created; and You renew the face of the ground."  Ps. 104:27-30

Yesterday I had my embryo transfer.  It did not start out on a good note.  Dr. W. pulled us into his office for the usual pre-transfer briefing, and before we had even sat down, he matter-of-factly stated that we only had one remaining embryo out of my 4 that were doing well last Friday. 

"So, Joanna, we'll just transfer the one today, Joanna."  He likes to use my name copiously in every conversation.  Josh and I joke about it sometimes, but really it's what makes him so endearing.  And comical, when the news he bears isn't so sad.  Anyway, something in me withered, and I got up deflatedly (spell-checker is telling me that's not a word, but I want it to be; so there) to follow the nurse down the hall to the transfer room.  I gave Josh a quick kiss and left him in the waiting room, the whole time reeling from the thought that 3 of our embryos hadn't made it.  Just one left.  I've not had a transfer be successful with just one before.

I donned the enormous hospital gown, the purple rubber-bottomed socks, and the fetching blue shower cap (really!?) and sat down to wait my turn.  While I waited there, I poured out my heart to the Lord, unloading all my disappointment and casting my fragile longings on Him.  I begged for a miracle. I asked Him to please help me trust Him. I thought of dear Mary from our church, who is praying that we have twin girls (!!) and briefly thought about texting her not to get her hopes up.  

Suddenly it was my turn.  I climbed onto the table and they started an ultrasound.  Immediately the nurse said "Your bladder is too full." On my way back from the restroom, the embryologist was standing there waiting for me with the nurse.  My nurse beamed at me and said, "Would you like to transfer one or two embryos today?"

"I'm sorry?" I said, "I only have one."  The embryologist piped up from behind her mask and said, "That report Dr. W. was reading was from this morning. Early this morning, one of your embryos had stopped developing and wasn't mature enough for a transfer.  But we have been watching it, and in the last few hours, it has amazingly started growing again, and is actually now a better quality than the first one! It's rare, but sometimes these things happen." 

Psalm 104: 29-30 came to mind almost immediately. "You take away their spirit, they expire and return to their dust. You send forth Your Spirit, they are created."  Even on an embryonic level.  My heart almost burst with thanksgiving to God as I hopped back on the table and proceeded with the transfer, which wasn't entirely uneventful. At the end, Dr. W. told me that if I ever have any more transfers, to make sure I bring him a Valium. I, however, was floating on the awareness of the mind-boggling miracle God had done for me, and hardly noticed the difficulties we had.

So it's done now.  I have my TWO embryos safely where they belong, and now I just have to trust the Lord and try not to think about all the what-ifs.  I am trying to make the Lord God my trust and my hope.  If you see me between now and testing time, remind me of that!   

We had so many people praying for us, and I know God answered with a miracle yesterday!  If you are one of those praying for us, thank you!  God does hear and answer prayer.