The Psalms Say It Best

I had all these ideas of how I'd blog this, and now that I'm actually sitting down to do it, I'm drawing a blank. I don't really know where to begin. More importantly; once I begin, will I be able to stop?

I am not pregnant. Those four words are ugly all put together like that.

Jen and I were discussing at Bible Study on Tuesday night how sometimes you just don't even know what to say to God or how to express yourself, and so the Psalms are helpful to put into words the workings of our hearts. This is true of me today. When I found out this morning that we were not expecting, I just sat there for a few minutes and couldn't even think. I didn't even cry right away. I just sat there trying to pinpoint a single emotion swirling about in my heart. Sadness. Trust (yes, that was there!). Fear. Disappointment. Peace. Emptiness.

"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word." Ps 119:28

"Lord, all my desire is before You: and my sighing is not hidden from You." Ps 38:9

"When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then was I senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Ps 73:21-26

How can trust and sadness or emptiness and peace be felt right next to each other? I think Job had it right when he said, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him" Job 13:15. I think maybe Job cried a little when he said that. I did, when I repeated it this morning. I can say with all my heart that I trust the Lord and His sovereignty in my life, even while wiping away tears of disappointment. My dream died, and I feel such sadness about that. "But I know whate'er befalls me, Jesus doeth all things well!" Songs help too. :)

"Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

I don't yet know where we will go from here as far as further treatments. I feel spent right now, and I realize this is probably not the frame of mind to be in while attempting to be rational. :) Please continue to pray for us! The Lord for now has said "no" and we are okay with that.

A little weepy perhaps, but okay.

Comments

cj and family said…
Our hearts and prayers are with you, Joanna.
April 30, 2009 at 11:46 AM
Ruth said…
Having had 5 inj/iui cycles end in BFN myself, I am familiar with the tears and range of emotions. I am praying for you!!!! ((((((((hugs)))
April 30, 2009 at 12:18 PM
Melanie said…
Joanna, I am so, so, so sorry. I have been praying for you today, waiting to hear the news. I am so amazed at the depth of emotion that is so beautifully written out in the Psalms. Many are comforted by those same words for so many different sadnesses. I grieve for you and your loss.

Love and Prayers, Melanie
April 30, 2009 at 1:20 PM
Natasha said…
Oh Joanna, I'm so sorry to hear that news... my prayers and positive thoughts are also with you and your family... there are NO words that I can say to make things better.. but one thing I can say from experience - give Noah an extra hug today... it works wonders for the soul ;-)
April 30, 2009 at 4:34 PM
Carrie said…
I actually thought your appointment was yesterday and when we didn't hear any news I thought..well maybe she ahs good news to tell her family first. Almost called and then when it came to this evening I figure you are already in bed. I've been praying a lot and stillnot sure what to say. The Lord knows and cares for you so mcuh. He has a plan for your lives and is working on it. Wish we were closer - miss ya and love ya. Still praying for you.
April 30, 2009 at 7:32 PM
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