The Psalms Say It Best
I had all these ideas of how I'd blog this, and now that I'm actually sitting down to do it, I'm drawing a blank. I don't really know where to begin. More importantly; once I begin, will I be able to stop?
I am not pregnant. Those four words are ugly all put together like that.
Jen and I were discussing at Bible Study on Tuesday night how sometimes you just don't even know what to say to God or how to express yourself, and so the Psalms are helpful to put into words the workings of our hearts. This is true of me today. When I found out this morning that we were not expecting, I just sat there for a few minutes and couldn't even think. I didn't even cry right away. I just sat there trying to pinpoint a single emotion swirling about in my heart. Sadness. Trust (yes, that was there!). Fear. Disappointment. Peace. Emptiness.
"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word." Ps 119:28
"Lord, all my desire is before You: and my sighing is not hidden from You." Ps 38:9
"When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then was I senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Ps 73:21-26
How can trust and sadness or emptiness and peace be felt right next to each other? I think Job had it right when he said, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him" Job 13:15. I think maybe Job cried a little when he said that. I did, when I repeated it this morning. I can say with all my heart that I trust the Lord and His sovereignty in my life, even while wiping away tears of disappointment. My dream died, and I feel such sadness about that. "But I know whate'er befalls me, Jesus doeth all things well!" Songs help too. :)
"Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
I don't yet know where we will go from here as far as further treatments. I feel spent right now, and I realize this is probably not the frame of mind to be in while attempting to be rational. :) Please continue to pray for us! The Lord for now has said "no" and we are okay with that.
A little weepy perhaps, but okay.
I am not pregnant. Those four words are ugly all put together like that.
Jen and I were discussing at Bible Study on Tuesday night how sometimes you just don't even know what to say to God or how to express yourself, and so the Psalms are helpful to put into words the workings of our hearts. This is true of me today. When I found out this morning that we were not expecting, I just sat there for a few minutes and couldn't even think. I didn't even cry right away. I just sat there trying to pinpoint a single emotion swirling about in my heart. Sadness. Trust (yes, that was there!). Fear. Disappointment. Peace. Emptiness.
"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word." Ps 119:28
"Lord, all my desire is before You: and my sighing is not hidden from You." Ps 38:9
"When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then was I senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Ps 73:21-26
How can trust and sadness or emptiness and peace be felt right next to each other? I think Job had it right when he said, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him" Job 13:15. I think maybe Job cried a little when he said that. I did, when I repeated it this morning. I can say with all my heart that I trust the Lord and His sovereignty in my life, even while wiping away tears of disappointment. My dream died, and I feel such sadness about that. "But I know whate'er befalls me, Jesus doeth all things well!" Songs help too. :)
"Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
I don't yet know where we will go from here as far as further treatments. I feel spent right now, and I realize this is probably not the frame of mind to be in while attempting to be rational. :) Please continue to pray for us! The Lord for now has said "no" and we are okay with that.
A little weepy perhaps, but okay.
Comments
Love and Prayers, Melanie