Recent Sadness


I've been hesitating to post this because I try to keep my blog upbeat and positive. I try not to make it all about one topic (so as not to bore you and also to try to represent many of the facets of my family's daily life) and I try not to throw pity-parties.


But I also want it to be real. When I started this blog, my primary goal was to keep a journal that was sincere and an accurate account of where the Lord has led us; complete with all the bumps, laughter, obstacles, failures and victories along the way. I think it's important to be able to look back on your life and see very clearly that the Lord was leading and answering prayer--for my spiritual benefit, but also just to remember what life was like!


It is with this in mind that I write this post. Not to depress you, but to give an accurate account of what I have been facing over the last few days or so.


This has been a hard "infertile" week for me. I have these occasionally; days where it seems like everyone is pregnant or just had a baby and I'm the only one left who can't. (Incidentally I'm reminded of Elijah in times like these. It's common when in a hard circumstance to feel like you're the only one, but the Lord reminds us that we're not alone.) Days when I go to Wal-mart or the zoo or the library and see a pregnant belly around every corner (at the library's Story Time the other day, there were 3 other women there, and each of the other 3 women was expecting or had wheeled in a newborn). Days when I open my Facebook page and see pregnancy announcements and belly photos and updates on people's pregnancies all down the front page.


And I'm happy for these people.


I think it's important to say that! I'm happy for them. But I ache too. It's an actual, palpable, honest ache that I feel. Oh, I take it to the Lord:


"Are you weary, are you heavy hearted?
Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.
Are you grieving over joys departed?
Tell it to Jesus alone."


I remember that God makes no mistakes:


"Though at times my heart would break
There's a purpose in every change He makes;
That others would see my life and know
That God makes no mistakes."


I meditate on Scripture:


"The Lord will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O Lord is everlasting;
Do not forsake the work of Your hands." Ps. 138:8


"The Lord is righteous in all His ways
and kind in all His deeds.
The Lord is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He will also hear their cry and will save them." Ps. 145:17-19


But honestly? I still ache.


I don't know what the Lord's will is for my life in this regard. Should we adopt? Should we pursue more infertility treatments? Should we learn to be happy with our one child and be done with it all?


In the end, of course, I know the Lord has a plan for me in this dark valley! I know that there is hope, and I know that in Heaven all this pain will seem like a blip on the page of eternity (if it's significant enough to even rate on the page in comparison with Christ!). I know that God's ways are infinitely above my ways, and I know that God is working it all out for good--that I would be more Christlike.


Again, I'm just being honest here. This is what some days are like, and I thought it better to record a true record than to sugar-coat everything. Years down the road I want to look back and see, like in the classic Footprints poem, that the Lord had me in His arms during the hardest times.


And that He was in control. Because He is. :)








Comments

cj and family said…
You have been in my prayers more than ever in recent weeks--I don't understand God's ways, and there's a struggle from the other side when you rejoice in His blessing and yet ache for those so long for that same blessing. His way IS perfect. We have to rest in that. Praying for you.
September 9, 2009 at 12:07 PM
Susan Elizabeth Miller said…
Joanna,

Thank you for your honesty. I've been struggling too. Your blog brought some perspective to my struggles. Thank you!
September 9, 2009 at 1:17 PM
Julie said…
He most certainly is!

I don't usually comment, but I do read, especially when you write about this subject. I love to see how God carries you through. Can't remember if I had shared with you or not, but John and I had our 3rd miscarriage 2 months ago. I had gotten pregnant within weeks of having endometriosis removed. Went through further testing to find out that there is nothing more wrong with me. It was just God's timing.

Keep your chin up. Only God can carry us through these hard times and the down times are necessary for healing and more importantly for magnifying God. Psalm 71:20ff was a huge comfort to me this time.

I'll surely keep you in my prayers.

Julie (Leary) Hull
September 9, 2009 at 1:23 PM
Natasha said…
Not sure if I ever told you this, but here goes - my parents struggled w/infertility for 20+yrs. They got pregnant early on in their relationship (twins), but unfortunately, they lost the girls at 26 wks. They kept trying, but at the same time, they put their name in for adoption. That's how my brother and me came into the family. If it weren't for the terrible loss of the twins, I wouldn't be where I am today. Talk about God having a plan! Keep your chin up - you're always in my thoughts :)
September 15, 2009 at 4:37 PM
Ruth said…
My advice is to pray that the Lord will give Josh the wisdom that he needs and then follow Josh's leading. I wish I could go back in time to 2004 when Paul really, really wanted us to do ivf. I wish I hadn't waited until 2007 to agree to give it a try. I was dead set on adopting rather than ivf. My friend, Tammy, had the opposite experience. Her dh wanted them to adopt, and she was dead set on trying to get pg. After they spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments, she finally agreed to adopt and within 2 months of that decision a newborn baby was in their arms - a closed adoption no less, they were in the hospital when he was born, and after taking into account the tax credit the adoption didn't cost them one dime. A few years later they had another adoption that was very similar to their first in the way it transpired. She said to me she wished she had listened to her hubby. So that's the moral of the story in my opinion - we need to pray for our dh's and then follow their leading. I personally can't see you never parenting another child aside from Noah (of course I could be 100% wrong), but I don't know if God's will is for you to adopt (maybe frozen embies?) or to do ivf again. I have known of others who had an ivf cycle cancelled and later got pg from ivf. You have only done 2 cycles with an RE and 1/2 produced a child, but maybe the cancelled ivf cycle was God's way of shutting that door. I don't know...
September 20, 2009 at 10:53 AM
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