I am the CLAY, not the potter!

I hesitate to post this. I really, really do. In fact, when I started this blog I knew this would be the one drawback to making the blog "public" (as in, more than just for Josh and me); that I'd be afraid to share my heart on here. Afraid of the scrutiny and of making public what used to be private. But in spite of that, I feel like I can tell you this, which is why this is my first post about Infertility.

I am back in it, y'all. Back into the monthly disappointments (heartaches really), and the incredibly Un-fun Rollercoaster that is Trying To Conceive. I thought it might be different this go-'round, but it's not. I thought having Noah would "fix" all that, but it doesn't. He helps, don't get me wrong! I'm so very thankful that the Lord let us have him!! I'm so thankful that I have his huge laughing blue eyes to look into when I'm sad! But it doesn't take away my desire to have another baby.

"There are three things that will not be satisfied, Four that will not say, "Enough": Sheol, and the barren womb...." Prov 30:15b-16

People are beginning to ask when and if we're going to have another. I'm dusting off my well-worn answer: "Whenever the Lord decides to give us one, we'll be so thankful!" That phrase has become like an old friend, a code for "I'm infertile, please don't expect me to know." I didn't like the person I became during those 3 dark years while we were waiting to conceive Noah; unable to completely rejoice with other couples sharing their happy news, unable to attend baby showers, unable even to enter baby stores. If you are reading this, please pray that the Lord would not allow me to become that person again! Like this blog states, I want so badly to be usable to the Lord! I want to be molded into whatever "shape" He chooses. I want to be content with such things as I have, and have JOY even in the midst of circumstances I'd gladly trade. Would you pray with me that this would be the case?

I was reading in my Bible just this morning a verse that was comforting and I'll close with it:

"For what great nation is there that has a god so near to it as is the LORD our God whenever we call on Him?" Deut 4:7

What a great promise!!!

Comments

Ruth said…
I am honestly surprised that people are already asking you about #2 when Noah is not even 1 year old yet!!! Oi vey!! Even my sisters who are rather fertile IMHO haven't been able to conceive until they've weaned their youngest or are at least at the tail end of nursing and close to weaning them. I mean my one sister by the end of this year will have had 4 babies in 6 years so I think that's pretty fertile and she still hasn't had the babies closer than 20 months apart (she nursed each for 1 year). Yes there are women who get pg while bfing but that is not the norm. Many consider b/fing to be a form of birth control! Your hormones are different - prolactin etc. and that's not generally good for ttc. So I can't believe anyone would expect you to be getting pg while you're b/fing.

Then of course do they not know that it took IVF for you to have Noah? Yes, I know there are some women who get pg on their own after an ivf pgcy. It does happen from time to time, but I highly doubt it's the norm. Of course I haven't had my little one yet so I can't be sure what people will/won't say to me in the future about #2, but so far what they have said ranges from #1 quite a few people making comments about how I should treasure every moment as this will likely be our only child (I hope she isn't our only one but it's true that since she took 6 years that might end up being the case) to #2 people asking if we are going to do IVF again in the future (which we probably will and to me this is a very reasonable question on their part as it shows they realize what's involved when it comes to ttc for us) to #3 comments which show that people think we're just going to start popping babies out easily now that we've had this first one by IVF. I actually find the 3rd category of comments to be annoying although that would be the BEST scenario. I'd be thrilled to have #2 without IVF but I highly doubt it will happen although of course God COULD do that miracle if He saw fit.

I know of many who have done IVF multiple times and still never given birth - so even if you and I never have another baby, we have much to be thankful for that at least we were able to have ONE baby... although it's hard to remember that at times when we see others popping out babies left and right without having to ttc for years on end, do ivf, spend thousands of $$, etc.

I will as always keep praying for you. Your request is a good one for ALL of us. Not everyone struggles with infertility, but I think all believers struggle to some extent or another with being content and remembering we are the clay not the potter.
May 17, 2008 at 3:46 AM
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