Looking Up

A new day usually brings at least a little distance from the pain; the ability to step back and look up rather than be steeped in my distresses. Today I am sad, but thankfully I've quit crying (I think! Funny what small things trigger all those emotions again). Hurting, but not without hope.

"Make me know Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.
Remember, O Lord, Your compassion and Your lovingkindness,
For they have been from of old...

All the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth
To those who keep His covenant and His testimonies...

My eyes are continually toward the Lord,
For He will pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
For I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses..." Ps 25:4-6, 10, 15-17

My sister-in-law Melanie commented yesterday that my questions will probably go answerless. The Lord doesn't promise to answer all our questions, does He? :) In the meantime, I am finding that the Psalms echo the thoughts of my heart and so I'm taking a break from Matthew to camp out in Psalms for a while.

I am also trying to be extra thankful for the blessings I do have; a husband who loves me, an adorable little boy (biased much?), and best of all a God who is right here with me, drying my tears.

There I go crying again! Sorry. :)

Comments

Ruth said…
Glad you're feeling better today. I think having faith means you truly believe God COULD enable you to have your first "au natural" pregnancy. However, I don't think it means that He will definitely enable that to happen and certainly we can't know which month might be "the" month. As you know, "no" or "wait" are possible answers to our prayers - it doesn't mean He's not listening or doesn't love you or isn't powerful enough to accomplish that request or that your request isn't something you should pray about. Having children is certainly a godly desire. Some prayer requests - such as the salvation of someone - we KNOW it's something He never wants us to stop praying for. Other things I think sometimes He lets us know that our desire isn't within His will. I have no idea what His will is for you and Josh - whether it means you only have one child, whether you do IVF again some day and that results in another bfp, you get pg "on your own," or you adopt.

I have been wrestling with this myself. As you know, we've never had an au natural bfp and we've ttced since May 2002. We aren't going to do ivf again, and we aren't planning on pursuing adoption again either. I'd love to have a third child. I know that God COULD enable that miracle to take place, but for my emotional sanity's sake, I am trying to tell myself not to get my hopes up in that regard. I'm not saying you need to handle it the same way, but I think for me the best answer is for me to give away/sell my maternity clothes and such and live my life as if we'll only have 2 kids and be pleasantly shocked if the Lord grants the desire of my heart and allows us our first "on our own" pregnancy when I'm 39 years old (or older). I know I don't want to get my hopes up and have them dashed each month. Of course that can be one of those easier said than done things...as although it's never happened for us and my age isn't in our favor these days, God isn't limited by any of these factors. He definitely could enable Paul & I to have a third child if that was within His will. I don't think choosing not to get your hopes up means you don't have faith.

P.S. I am not suggesting you should sell/ give away your maternity clothes. You are a lot younger than me, and maybe some day the Lord will lead you two to do ivf again or maybe adopt frozen embryos... or maybe you'll get that miracle of an au natural bfp some day. I'm just saying for me, I think it will help me keep my hopes down as low as possible and just accept that we'll be a family of four.
November 25, 2009 at 4:55 PM
cj and family said…
So thankful the Lord has encouraged you today. I've been praying for you often the last few days. It was a very different struggle, but I also very much came to the complete end of my rope emotionally and spiritually during our whole remodel/move this spring. The struggle was completely unrelated to the actual remodel/move, but the exhaustion from that compounded the other struggle I was dealing with.

Anyway, I was recently reading through Jeremiah, and I realized for the first time the context of Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" (or, a future and a hope). God's people were under His judgment and would spent the next 70 years in Babylon. But even with that, He still wanted them to know His peace--Yes, they would spend 70 years in captivity, but He's still God, and He still loves them, and He has a hopeful future planned for them. In the next few verses, He promises that He will listen to their prayers. I'm sure they were tempted to think God didn't care when they were in Babylon, but the TRUTH was that GOD DID CARE. He had not forgotten about them. They were just on an extended time table.

For the Israelites, the point of Babylon wasn't God's revenge, but His bringing them back into fellowship with Him. For us, God's greatest desire is for us to be conformed to the image of His Son, and He will work in our life to accomplish that. That process will often be hard, but it was hard for our Savior to go to the cross, too.

Blessings, Joanna! Praying for you often!
November 26, 2009 at 7:02 PM
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