In Prayer Believing

I am, in a word, discouraged right now. There are far too many details to share, some that would probably be too much information anyway, but suffice it to say we are still not expecting a baby. I'm having more difficulty over this than I usually do. I've mentioned before that I rarely cry over my infertility anymore, but I made an exception today.

Let me back up; I was convicted earlier in the month over my growing disbelief that God was ever going to give us a baby unless we adopted (a great option for some, but I still grimace at the thought). I had almost even stopped praying about it, but then I had been reading through the book of Matthew in my daily devotions and came across passages like these:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened unto you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to them who ask Him?" Matt 7:7-11

"And a leper came to Him and bowed down before Him and said, 'Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean.' Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I am willing, be cleansed.'" Matt 8:2-3

"And a woman who had been suffering from a hemorrhage for twelve years, came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak; for she was saying to herself, 'If I only touch His garment I will get well.' But Jesus turning and seeing her said, 'Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well.' At once the woman was made well." Matt 9:20-22

"As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out, 'Have mercy on us, Son of David!' When He entered the house, the blind men came up to Him and Jesus said to them, 'Do you believe that I am able to do this?' They said to Him, 'Yes, Lord.' Then He touched their eyes, saying, 'It shall be done to you according to your faith.' And their eyes were opened." Matt 9:27-30

"And Jesus answered and said unto them, 'Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, "Be taken up and cast into the sea," it will happen. And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.'" Matt 21:21-22

All these instances where the Bible makes it clear that it was the person's faith that made the difference to Christ. I asked the Lord to forgive me of my lack of faith and give me faith that He would be pleased with. And I believe He answered that prayer. I have been praying all month long with faith that God would answer our prayers! Josh was praying, even little Noah was praying. We believed God would work a miracle this month. I believed with all my heart.

Here's a question: how do you balance having faith that God can and will grant us the desires of our hearts without getting our hopes up? This is what kills me when I let myself believe that God will allow us to have a baby--I actually start believing it and then when it doesn't happen, I am crushed. Crushed. If we're supposed to ask in prayer, believing, then are we supposed to believe without the hope that it will happen? "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Prov 13:12. I suppose I could go on like I normally do not expecting that one month will be any different from another (and then I wouldn't be so utterly depressed when nothing special happens), but then where is my FAITH?? Do you see my problem? I feel like I'm obeying the Lord by having faith, praying for faith, demonstrating my faith just like those people He healed, only in my case He doesn't heal me and so it feels like His promises are empty. Understand, I said "feels like" they're empty. I know in my head that God does not lie:

"God is not a man that He should lie, neither the son of man that He should repent. Has he said and shall He not do it? Or has he spoken and shall He not make it good?" Numbers 23:19

but I wish I knew the answer to this! There are verses in James 4 about not having because you do not ask (not true in this case--I have been asking, with faith even!) or not having because you ask amiss that you might consume it on your own lusts, but I don't think that's true in my case either. By the way, I don't believe that asking for a baby is kin to asking for a million bucks or an amazing car or a nice job promotion with fat benefits. God elsewhere in the Scriptures says that children are a blessing and a good thing where I can clearly see that a million bucks would not be the best thing. Show me why a baby that I would do my best to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is NOT a good thing!

Show me, because I just do not understand.

And I can't stop crying.