Wishing I Could Move On

I mentioned in my last post that Jen and I had the wonderful and relaxing opportunity to shop kidless all day yesterday. What a fantastic day we had! We began at a local thrift store, proceeded on to Kohl's, then to Ross, from there grabbed a bite to eat at Chick-Fil-A, and finished up at an outlet store.

What I didn't mention was that I got all weepy in front of Jen at the thrift store. How embarrassing! It was one of "those" infertility moments that blindside me from time to time. There we were in the kid section, looking for baby boy clothes (did I tell you Matt and Jen found out they're having a boy? Well, they are.). I was fine. Really, I was. Jen asked if I knew what was lacking in the tubs of Noah's old baby clothes, which are bound for their baby come July. I was still fine. I told her what I thought, and then she suggested that we both go through the tubs of clothes; so she could see them and so I could reminisce about the days when Noah used to wear them. A perfectly reasonable and sisterly-bonding-time idea, don't you think?

Except out of nowhere, I lost it. All of a sudden I couldn't bear the thought of seeing outfits Noah had worn as an infant and knowing I may never hold another baby of my own. It was overwhelming. Thankfully, the Lord helped me get control and we decided to move on to Ladies' Apparel and Housewares; much safer I guess. :)

I wish I could move on from this continual grief I feel. I wish I knew that there would be a day when all of this wouldn't be as painful. When I could smile at a pregnant lady instead of look the other way. We've been studying Job in Bible Study on Wednesday nights, and it has been helpful. I know that God has given me this trial on purpose and for a reason, even though I don't know what that reason is and may never know.

It's just that this grief is so persistent. It doesn't go away, and it hasn't lessened over time. I hope someday it will. I hope someday for the Lord to wipe the tears from my eyes, which He promises to do. I hope I am changed to be more Christlike through this trial. And I hope the Lord will answer my repeated prayers for a child.

We keep praying...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Resolving Everyday Conflict

Image
If you've ever been asked to lead a discussion or teach about a certain spiritual discipline, you can be sure that the Lord will lovingly bring just that exact topic to the forefront in your own life. He'll graciously put your ugly sinful tendencies "right on Front Street," as my good friend Dara likes to say. This is grace! This is God's kindness to reveal sinful tendencies in our own hearts so that we can repent, seek renewed relationship with God and others, and be used of Him. Here is a story about one such evidence of God's grace to me. Josh and I were late to our small group last night. Oh, we were there . We had technically arrived on time, but we remained in the parking lot of the neighborhood's clubhouse for over 45 minutes before we were able to walk in holding hands. Much later in the evening, on our way home from Grace Group, Eden begged to be the one to fill the boys in on why we were late (the boys had driven separately from a soccer practice
Read more

The Hand of God

Image
 I am in Scotland. S C O T L A N D. This is me; Joanna, the one whose comfort zone is within about one square mile, who said she never wanted to leave the USA, who hates to travel on anything public, who nearly hyperventilates at the mere mention of airplanes. How is this possible that I am here? Only by God's grace. Every step in front of the other, every long line, every minute on those airplanes was enabled by God's grace. On my end, it wasn't always pretty--usually it was very ugly--and I may have said, "I can't do this" more times than we could count (Josh had to tell me to quit saying that), but God was faithful to me and I have a really great story about one such miracle to share with you, but for perspective and contrast I have to share a really ugly story first. Here goes:  We dropped off our rental car in Dublin about 11am, and had to ride a shuttle bus back to the Dublin airport to catch our 1:10pm "quick" flight over to Edinburgh, Scotlan
Read more

The Whole Truth

Image
Our cat, Willow, has kittens periodically. By periodically I mean about 2-3 times a year, and we don't hate it. We actually enjoy guessing when her due date is, how many kittens there will be, what they will look like, etc. Then when she has them, well, is there anything cuter than kittens? But sooner or later, 8 weeks later to be exact, it's time for those kittens to go. At that time we will put an ad on Craigslist and find homes for each and every one. This brings the fun hassle of sending people additional pictures, telling them again how much we are charging (that was in the ad!), setting up potential meetings with people who will ghost at the last minute, after we've already given them our address. Everyone should put an ad on Craigslist at least once just for the experience. Should you finally get someone who likes the look of a kitten, wants to pay the price, can meet at an agreeable time, successfully finds your house, is okay with the fact that the kittens haven&#
Read more