My Ebenezer

The irony in a Mother's Day picture like this one is that the most influential contributors to my motherhood are not even pictured! Those would be God and my husband, as well as my own mom. Years I spent at God's feet, asking for children. Look at how He's answered! These kids are far from what I imagined in terms of personality, and also I had No Idea what I was getting myself into with parenting in general. God knew that. But when I see this photo, I see myriad answered prayers. Thank you, God! God is still giving me grace and strength each day. I pray He will turn my messy efforts into something beautiful one day. Josh is the one who snapped this photo. And the other 5 before it. Truth be told, he could have kept going! I know we're not the only family who can't get a decent photo the first time. He's also the one who helps keep my sanity when, by 8:30pm, I'm about to lose it. He's an excellent putter-to-bedder, the best jungle gym and airpla...

This is a short version of Eden's birth story, a little of my recovery, and how we chose her name. Birth Story and Recovery (the rosy, less messy version): We had planned a c-section for November 15, due to my having had 2 prior c-sections--the magic number when it comes to the possibility of natural birth, at least with my set of doctors.  During the final weeks of pregnancy I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and ready to give birth, so I started praying that I'd go into labor on my own.  I didn't really think it would happen, in part because Noah and Seth were both born on their due dates, and my c-section was scheduled for the 15th, two days prior to my due date. Thursday, November 10 started out normally. I did a major grocery shopping trip, cleaned out and vacuumed our car, put away clutter, and mopped the kitchen floor (nesting much?).  I then laid down propped myself up for a short nap.  When I woke up at 3pm, I felt a little crampy, so I decide...

This is a story all about the miraculous power of our God.  I've been dwelling on Psalm 104 some lately, and yesterday I saw it played out in real life. "[Man and the animals] all wait for You to give them their food in due season. You give to them, they gather it up; You open Your hand, they are satisfied with good. You hide Your face, they are dismayed; You take away their spirit, they expire and return to the dust. You send forth Your Spirit, they are created; and You renew the face of the ground ."  Ps. 104:27-30 Yesterday I had my embryo transfer.  It did not start out on a good note.  Dr. W. pulled us into his office for the usual pre-transfer briefing, and before we had even sat down, he matter-of-factly stated that we only had one remaining embryo out of my 4 that were doing well last Friday.  "So, Joanna, we'll just transfer the one today, Joanna."  He likes to use my name copiously in every conversation.  Josh and I joke abo...

As of this morning we were in the middle of an IVF cycle, and then, like a really good dream, it was cancelled this afternoon just when it was getting to the good part. I was already prepared for everything we needed to do next; miraculously I was even mentally ready to give myself the monster shots they call progesterone, and then to eagerly await Monday's transfer and the long-awaited PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) status. I knew when I saw the nurse's number pop up on my phone that this would not be a good call.  I was right. "Your progesterone levels are already too high," she said.  Her voice was lacking its familiar cheerful sound. "I"m very sorry. We're going to have to cancel this cycle." She began telling me what to do next, which surprisingly still included giving myself those dreadful shots.  I was in a fog.  Surely she didn't just tell me to start the shots tomorrow!  But she did. All so we can clean the slate and start a...

*This is probably not a post for the men to read, just to let you know.* I have felt a little...unbalanced over the past year.  "Unbalanced" may be too demure a word. Crazy would be more accurate.  Sometimes I can't even express this brand of crazy to others.  It's been an overwhelming-can't-explain-it-am-I-losing-my-mind kind of crazy.  For you moms out there, maybe this will help describe what I'm trying to say: it's the kind of crazy that happens those first few weeks after you have given birth to a new baby.  You're happy, you're sad.  Why are you crying? You don't know. You're so frustrated! You are overwhelmed. You can't think straight. You see yourself act and hear yourself speak, but it's disconnected from reality. You think weird thoughts. You. Are. Not. YOU. That's how I have felt. Add that to very irregular cycles (see, I told you this wasn't a post for the men!) and some other physical symptoms I've bee...

I have been re-reading One Thousand Gifts , by Ann Voskamp (a must-read!) and am being reminded to give thanks in everything and for everything, that thanksgiving always precedes the miracle of living life fully satisfied with God.  Then in my Bible reading just this morning, I saw it for myself: the miracle.  "So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.  My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Psalm 63:4-5  Giving thanks to God satisfies our souls!  Are you looking for satisfaction like I am?  A filling up to the brim, and overflowing with joy?  Honestly, too often I turn to chocolate or brownies or coffee to satisfy my soul (which doesn't work, by the way), when what my soul craves is more God.  Then did you see it?  "My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness..."  There is nothing like God to fill up the empty holes, and there is nothing lik...

When I go through a significant trial, I usually can't trust myself to write about it right away.  The feelings are too raw, my flesh is too strong, and I fear I will say something I will regret.  But I think I am ready now.  God has reminded me of late that He is in complete control, and that "no purpose of [His] can be thwarted." Job 42:2  These are vital things to know when you go through trials inexplicable. Over the last five months, God has allowed Josh and me to lose four babies.  Four babies in five months.  In May and again in July, we lost two miracle pregnancies almost as quickly as we discovered them.  And now here in October, we have lost two more precious ones to a failed IVF cycle. I have done a lot of asking God, "Why?" which for the record always turns out to be an exercise in frustration and brings with it no peace, only more questions and prideful accusations.  Then I remembered Job, who in the middle of his trials (which we...

Lately I have been feeling like I'm being knocked around by life a bit.  My house is overwhelming in a continually disheveled, stuff-everywhere, does-that-laundry-basket-contain-clean-clothes-or-dirty? sort of way, there are projects piling up that I have no time for, my parenting abilities have clearly fallen on hard times, I feel like Josh and I have no time together, and I'm pretty sure (actually, very sure) that our most recent attempt with IVF has failed. "One at a time !" I want to bellow to my trials. "Take a num ber!" But life isn't like that, is it?  Trials don't come in neatly-wrapped bite-sized bundles, one at a time.  No, that's why we say, "when it rains, it pours." So. I thought I'd take a minute and just breathe for a second, and I find a lot of times I come here to breathe.  Or to write, which is similar.  Let me take a moment and focus on some positives for a few minutes: These guys.  I do love them.  ...

Yesterday I added progesterone shots to my daily medication routine (though I don't think I will ever get used to giving myself a shot, so "routine" seems like a misnomer!).  Lord-willing on Tuesday, Sept 23, we will have our Frozen Embryo Transfer, transferring our two embryos which were frozen when we did IVF the last time.  We are praying that the Lord would use this to grow our family if that would be His will.  I'll keep you posted how things go! I just went back and re-read all my posts from the other IVF attempts we've had.  There are definitely a lot more of those posts, including a lot more details about the process and my feelings, and I hope that doesn't make you think I don't care as much about this cycle as I have the others; I just have a lot less time to blog these days than I did then. I will say that the Lord has already shown Himself faithful on my behalf this cycle, and I'm trusting Him to continue.  Coveting your prayers as you ...

It's that time again!  Time to muster up the courage, more emotional energy than I can shake a stick at, and lots and lots of prayer as we pursue IVF once again to try to expand our family.  Prayer is really why I've decided to post about this at all; I need me some prayer warriors!  If you think of it, please do pray for us as we begin IVF for the fourth time.  This time, since we are doing a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short), it will still involve plenty of medication and an extreme emotional rollercoaster ride, just not quite as many shots or doctor appointments (for which I am thankful!). We are ready to do this.  Noah is seven, Seth is almost two, and I'm not getting any younger either!  We would love to have one more baby, and we have committed to doing this "last" round of IVF, so here we go! Here's our tentative timeline: Now thru mid-Sept  Take first type of medication, gradually increasing the dosage. Mid-Sept  Have blood work...

Sometimes I wonder at the Lord's ways. “For My thoughts are not  your thoughts, Nor are  your ways My ways,” declares the  Lord . 9  “For  as  the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8-9 I find myself, less than eight weeks after my miracle pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage, miscarrying again .  Another miraculous pregnancy, another miscarriage, right on the heels of the last one.  I don't really have all that much to say about all this that I haven't already said  in my previous post ...   Except this.  I don't think it's a coincidence at all that the very day I began miscarrying this time, Seth said his first complete thought; a two-word sentence.  "Don't cry."  Clear as day, from the mouth of my little 19-month-old son, a precious reminder to my aching heart that God has this too under His sovereign control. Thank you, Lord...

One week ago, I found out I was pregnant.  Yes, you read that right.  And yes, this is still me we're talking about here.  The me who has been trying for more than 10 years, who so far has only been successful with the aid of intense medical help and God's tremendous grace.  The very same me who had been told by doctors that it would never happen.  Just woke up one day, miraculously pregnant. I had been feeling strange in the days leading up to it, had even told Josh, "If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was pregnant."  Just kind of queasy for no apparent reason.  On Tuesday at 10a.m., all I could think about was how heavenly a nap would be, and I took a long one that afternoon.  Unheard of.  Wednesday morning at 5a.m. I decided to take the test, just so I could go back to sleep and quit thinking, "what if?"  Only, I saw two beautiful pink lines and never went back to sleep anyway. Me , PREGNANT?!?! What a gift!  What ...

For the past 4 years I have been daydreaming about how I would share this news on my blog.  Would I be witty? Cute? Sappy? Creative?  However, I am finding that when God has at last answered your dearest, longest-standing, most fervent prayer request, you really don't have the composure to be creative or any of the rest.  No beating around the bush for me. I am pregnant!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! This is nothing short of a miracle from God, and the shock of it has taken a few days to sink in.  In fact, it is still sinking in.  I still feel as though I am dreaming.  Best. Dream. Ever. :)  Telling Noah was one of the best parts.  Here is a child who has been praying for this every single time he prays since he was able to talk, and God answered!  Noah literally jumped up and down, he was that excited. "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise t...

I wanted to get this written while I'm still on this side of the results.  This is a unique place to be--this not knowing.  You want to believe that the Lord will answer your prayer, but you're scared to hope lest those hopes crash down around you in broken shards. I have not been the most stable person over the last week.  One minute I'm convinced I'm pregnant (the progesterone shots alone will do that to you), the next minute I'm convinced I'm not, and already trying not to be too discouraged.  The minute after that I remind myself that these 2 little lives are God's anyway, and I can trust Him to do what is best for me, for my family, and for His glory.  That last thought is the only sane one in the bunch, and is the only one that frees me from the bondage of  What Ifs.  Here are some stabilizing truths that I've had to come back to over and over again, as I turn my mind battles over to the Lord minute-by-minute (second-by-second?). God is in co...

To those who were praying for us, THANK YOU!  The transfer went very very well this morning.  Despite a bad night of sleep for me, the Lord gave me such a calm and peaceful spirit before, during, and after.  I was home by 10am, and I have been on bed rest for the whole day.  I dusted off my chick flicks (hello, Pride and Prejudice! Nice to see you again!), and parked myself on the couch, praising the Lord for Matt and Jen, who were so kind to pick up Noah from school and watch him at their house for the afternoon. I am now what IVF'ers call PUPO, or Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?   I have to say, it is a GREAT feeling!  I thank the Lord for the privilege of carrying these two babies for whatever length of time He gives me.  I hope and pray that it is 9 months!!  Keep us in your prayers, please!  It is all up to God whether these little babies make it or not. And now all we have to do is wait...

We got our fertilization report back early this morning:  there are 4 embryos!  Praise the Lord!  Lord-willing we plan to transfer two of them tomorrow (Friday) morning at 8am, and then freeze the other two for a future transfer.  Praying and hoping beyond hope that we will be blessed with another child (or children!!) to hold here on earth.  Will you pray with us? "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. "  Psalm 84:11

Hi folks, it's me again with another IVF update.  I realize this blog has turned into IVF Central lately, but it's kind of on my mind these days.  Understatement of the year.  I hope to bring you more varied content soon, but for now I'm on this roller-coaster, so I might as well put my hands up and ride!  If you know me in real life, you know that white-knuckling it is more my style on roller coasters.  Or better yet, not even getting on at all. :) At my appointment this morning, I had a small change of plans.  The egg retrieval is still scheduled for Tues (that's TOMORROW!!), but the embryo transfer will now likely be on Sunday.  I had assumed that it would be a 3-day transfer like I had before (which would be Friday), but it turns out Dr. W. favors 5-day transfers.  You learn something new every day. SO.  Barring unforeseen circumstances, my transfer should be Sunday unless you hear differently from me on Thursday, which is a real poss...

I got a call from my IVF clinic today, and was informed that the egg retrieval would be on Tuesday, Lord-willing.  This will probably mean an embryo transfer on Friday, but I'll keep you posted to be sure.  In the meantime, would you join me in praying for the "right" number of eggs (God knows how many that is) to be retrieved and mature into embryos?  Thanks a million!

We're coming to the crest of the hill on this IVF cycle.  My shots have been going well (as well as shots can go! I wouldn't recommend self-administered shots, just in case you were wondering), and the patches aren't too bad either, with the exception of being exceedingly itchy.  Praise the Lord, my emotions and crazy thoughts and dreams have been much tamer (more tame? Grammar, anyone?) this week as well, which I attribute to the prayers of so many of you.  Thank you for praying!!! I heard from our nurse this afternoon, and she said it's looking like the egg retrieval will be either Tues or Wed (the 28th or 29th).  We'll know which one by Monday, Lord-willing.  If you have been praying for us, please continue!  I am getting very excited, and hope and pray and pray and hope that God will use this to grow our family.

Some have been asking me how I feel these days, and what IVF is like to go through.  In a word, it's Intense.  While I'm feeling physically fine now that I'm off those  yucky pills , emotionally and spiritually things have begun to heat up. IVF creates the perfect storm of obsession.  You take a couple who have been trying for years to have a baby, include all their stalled hopes and dreams and plans, add a rigorous and exacting time schedule which must be synchronized and followed perfectly, throw in several dozen self-administered hormone shots (which mess with your emotions), and make it cost thousands of dollars (no pressure to have it work or anything!  If it works, it was the best money we could have spent.  If not?  Well, we don't even want to think about that right now...), and you pretty much have the recipe for Obsession  IVF in a nutshell. I find myself praying over this cycle almost every waking minute.  Which I guess is goo...