My Ebenezer

This is a story all about the miraculous power of our God.  I've been dwelling on Psalm 104 some lately, and yesterday I saw it played out in real life. "[Man and the animals] all wait for You to give them their food in due season. You give to them, they gather it up; You open Your hand, they are satisfied with good. You hide Your face, they are dismayed; You take away their spirit, they expire and return to the dust. You send forth Your Spirit, they are created; and You renew the face of the ground ."  Ps. 104:27-30 Yesterday I had my embryo transfer.  It did not start out on a good note.  Dr. W. pulled us into his office for the usual pre-transfer briefing, and before we had even sat down, he matter-of-factly stated that we only had one remaining embryo out of my 4 that were doing well last Friday.  "So, Joanna, we'll just transfer the one today, Joanna."  He likes to use my name copiously in every conversation.  Josh and I joke abo...

As of this morning we were in the middle of an IVF cycle, and then, like a really good dream, it was cancelled this afternoon just when it was getting to the good part. I was already prepared for everything we needed to do next; miraculously I was even mentally ready to give myself the monster shots they call progesterone, and then to eagerly await Monday's transfer and the long-awaited PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) status. I knew when I saw the nurse's number pop up on my phone that this would not be a good call.  I was right. "Your progesterone levels are already too high," she said.  Her voice was lacking its familiar cheerful sound. "I"m very sorry. We're going to have to cancel this cycle." She began telling me what to do next, which surprisingly still included giving myself those dreadful shots.  I was in a fog.  Surely she didn't just tell me to start the shots tomorrow!  But she did. All so we can clean the slate and start a...

When I go through a significant trial, I usually can't trust myself to write about it right away.  The feelings are too raw, my flesh is too strong, and I fear I will say something I will regret.  But I think I am ready now.  God has reminded me of late that He is in complete control, and that "no purpose of [His] can be thwarted." Job 42:2  These are vital things to know when you go through trials inexplicable. Over the last five months, God has allowed Josh and me to lose four babies.  Four babies in five months.  In May and again in July, we lost two miracle pregnancies almost as quickly as we discovered them.  And now here in October, we have lost two more precious ones to a failed IVF cycle. I have done a lot of asking God, "Why?" which for the record always turns out to be an exercise in frustration and brings with it no peace, only more questions and prideful accusations.  Then I remembered Job, who in the middle of his trials (which we...

Lately I have been feeling like I'm being knocked around by life a bit.  My house is overwhelming in a continually disheveled, stuff-everywhere, does-that-laundry-basket-contain-clean-clothes-or-dirty? sort of way, there are projects piling up that I have no time for, my parenting abilities have clearly fallen on hard times, I feel like Josh and I have no time together, and I'm pretty sure (actually, very sure) that our most recent attempt with IVF has failed. "One at a time !" I want to bellow to my trials. "Take a num ber!" But life isn't like that, is it?  Trials don't come in neatly-wrapped bite-sized bundles, one at a time.  No, that's why we say, "when it rains, it pours." So. I thought I'd take a minute and just breathe for a second, and I find a lot of times I come here to breathe.  Or to write, which is similar.  Let me take a moment and focus on some positives for a few minutes: These guys.  I do love them.  ...

Yesterday I added progesterone shots to my daily medication routine (though I don't think I will ever get used to giving myself a shot, so "routine" seems like a misnomer!).  Lord-willing on Tuesday, Sept 23, we will have our Frozen Embryo Transfer, transferring our two embryos which were frozen when we did IVF the last time.  We are praying that the Lord would use this to grow our family if that would be His will.  I'll keep you posted how things go! I just went back and re-read all my posts from the other IVF attempts we've had.  There are definitely a lot more of those posts, including a lot more details about the process and my feelings, and I hope that doesn't make you think I don't care as much about this cycle as I have the others; I just have a lot less time to blog these days than I did then. I will say that the Lord has already shown Himself faithful on my behalf this cycle, and I'm trusting Him to continue.  Coveting your prayers as you ...

It's that time again!  Time to muster up the courage, more emotional energy than I can shake a stick at, and lots and lots of prayer as we pursue IVF once again to try to expand our family.  Prayer is really why I've decided to post about this at all; I need me some prayer warriors!  If you think of it, please do pray for us as we begin IVF for the fourth time.  This time, since we are doing a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET for short), it will still involve plenty of medication and an extreme emotional rollercoaster ride, just not quite as many shots or doctor appointments (for which I am thankful!). We are ready to do this.  Noah is seven, Seth is almost two, and I'm not getting any younger either!  We would love to have one more baby, and we have committed to doing this "last" round of IVF, so here we go! Here's our tentative timeline: Now thru mid-Sept  Take first type of medication, gradually increasing the dosage. Mid-Sept  Have blood work...

For the past 4 years I have been daydreaming about how I would share this news on my blog.  Would I be witty? Cute? Sappy? Creative?  However, I am finding that when God has at last answered your dearest, longest-standing, most fervent prayer request, you really don't have the composure to be creative or any of the rest.  No beating around the bush for me. I am pregnant!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! This is nothing short of a miracle from God, and the shock of it has taken a few days to sink in.  In fact, it is still sinking in.  I still feel as though I am dreaming.  Best. Dream. Ever. :)  Telling Noah was one of the best parts.  Here is a child who has been praying for this every single time he prays since he was able to talk, and God answered!  Noah literally jumped up and down, he was that excited. "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise t...

I wanted to get this written while I'm still on this side of the results.  This is a unique place to be--this not knowing.  You want to believe that the Lord will answer your prayer, but you're scared to hope lest those hopes crash down around you in broken shards. I have not been the most stable person over the last week.  One minute I'm convinced I'm pregnant (the progesterone shots alone will do that to you), the next minute I'm convinced I'm not, and already trying not to be too discouraged.  The minute after that I remind myself that these 2 little lives are God's anyway, and I can trust Him to do what is best for me, for my family, and for His glory.  That last thought is the only sane one in the bunch, and is the only one that frees me from the bondage of  What Ifs.  Here are some stabilizing truths that I've had to come back to over and over again, as I turn my mind battles over to the Lord minute-by-minute (second-by-second?). God is in co...

To those who were praying for us, THANK YOU!  The transfer went very very well this morning.  Despite a bad night of sleep for me, the Lord gave me such a calm and peaceful spirit before, during, and after.  I was home by 10am, and I have been on bed rest for the whole day.  I dusted off my chick flicks (hello, Pride and Prejudice! Nice to see you again!), and parked myself on the couch, praising the Lord for Matt and Jen, who were so kind to pick up Noah from school and watch him at their house for the afternoon. I am now what IVF'ers call PUPO, or Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?   I have to say, it is a GREAT feeling!  I thank the Lord for the privilege of carrying these two babies for whatever length of time He gives me.  I hope and pray that it is 9 months!!  Keep us in your prayers, please!  It is all up to God whether these little babies make it or not. And now all we have to do is wait...

We got our fertilization report back early this morning:  there are 4 embryos!  Praise the Lord!  Lord-willing we plan to transfer two of them tomorrow (Friday) morning at 8am, and then freeze the other two for a future transfer.  Praying and hoping beyond hope that we will be blessed with another child (or children!!) to hold here on earth.  Will you pray with us? "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. "  Psalm 84:11

Hi folks, it's me again with another IVF update.  I realize this blog has turned into IVF Central lately, but it's kind of on my mind these days.  Understatement of the year.  I hope to bring you more varied content soon, but for now I'm on this roller-coaster, so I might as well put my hands up and ride!  If you know me in real life, you know that white-knuckling it is more my style on roller coasters.  Or better yet, not even getting on at all. :) At my appointment this morning, I had a small change of plans.  The egg retrieval is still scheduled for Tues (that's TOMORROW!!), but the embryo transfer will now likely be on Sunday.  I had assumed that it would be a 3-day transfer like I had before (which would be Friday), but it turns out Dr. W. favors 5-day transfers.  You learn something new every day. SO.  Barring unforeseen circumstances, my transfer should be Sunday unless you hear differently from me on Thursday, which is a real poss...

I got a call from my IVF clinic today, and was informed that the egg retrieval would be on Tuesday, Lord-willing.  This will probably mean an embryo transfer on Friday, but I'll keep you posted to be sure.  In the meantime, would you join me in praying for the "right" number of eggs (God knows how many that is) to be retrieved and mature into embryos?  Thanks a million!

We're coming to the crest of the hill on this IVF cycle.  My shots have been going well (as well as shots can go! I wouldn't recommend self-administered shots, just in case you were wondering), and the patches aren't too bad either, with the exception of being exceedingly itchy.  Praise the Lord, my emotions and crazy thoughts and dreams have been much tamer (more tame? Grammar, anyone?) this week as well, which I attribute to the prayers of so many of you.  Thank you for praying!!! I heard from our nurse this afternoon, and she said it's looking like the egg retrieval will be either Tues or Wed (the 28th or 29th).  We'll know which one by Monday, Lord-willing.  If you have been praying for us, please continue!  I am getting very excited, and hope and pray and pray and hope that God will use this to grow our family.

Some have been asking me how I feel these days, and what IVF is like to go through.  In a word, it's Intense.  While I'm feeling physically fine now that I'm off those  yucky pills , emotionally and spiritually things have begun to heat up. IVF creates the perfect storm of obsession.  You take a couple who have been trying for years to have a baby, include all their stalled hopes and dreams and plans, add a rigorous and exacting time schedule which must be synchronized and followed perfectly, throw in several dozen self-administered hormone shots (which mess with your emotions), and make it cost thousands of dollars (no pressure to have it work or anything!  If it works, it was the best money we could have spent.  If not?  Well, we don't even want to think about that right now...), and you pretty much have the recipe for Obsession  IVF in a nutshell. I find myself praying over this cycle almost every waking minute.  Which I guess is goo...

**If you are a male or otherwise squeamish around IVF talk, I would strongly encourage you to come back another day.  Or go read the posts labeled "Noah."  Those'll be safe.** I've been trying to tell myself that IVF is more than a shot in the dark with God on our side.  That's not to say that it WILL work, but that is to say that if God wills it to work, it WILL work.  And that's comforting.  I also just had to have a title with the word "shot" in it, because tomorrow morning, Lord-willing, I begin taking the first of many shots.  I received a call from the IVF nurse this past Monday, informing me of our tentative IVF schedule. Keep in mind, this is TENTATIVE, with almost anything subject to change. Feb 10  Stop taking yucky birth control pill.  Start Lupron shots (in upper leg) every morning for 7 days.  I will be giving myself these shots, and really these are not that bad.  The worst part is the moment just before the need...

I have begun the initial round of medications for our IVF cycle.  If you can't remember from  last time , this pill makes me extremely nauseated.  Upon finding this out, a lady from church recommended that I try Sea Bands; just these little unimpressive-looking elastic bands with a protruding button that presses into a nerve in each wrist. "How could this help?" I asked myself as I sat in the CVS parking lot, putting them on. But they do.  Oh, how they do! Call it Dumbo's Feather if you want, but I promise you they are making life much more bearable for me right now.  Thank you, Susan! Two weeks of these yucky pills, and then Lord-willing on to the next round of meds (shots! gasp!).  Right now it's looking like an end-of-February retrieval and transfer.  You know me.  I'll be posting more! Please keep praying.

Things are slowly progressing with IVF.  Lord-willing I should be able to start the initial meds toward the end of this month, with the actual procedure taking place in February or March.  I'll keep you posted!  Thanks for praying.  :)

Thank you to all who prayed for the second house to sell. IT DID!!! And amazingly enough, it actually closed a day early--yesterday! This is nothing short of miraculous in my mind. If you are aware what kind of market we are in right now, you see how impressive it is for the Lord to provide (1) a buyer (2) with funds (3) who wants to buy our buildings! Praise the Lord! I don't think I should be surprised that all of this happened literally in days rather than months, but somehow I still am. :) Now that the funds are in, we could move right ahead with IVF. Josh and I have decided to wait one more month though, and begin Lord-willing in January. December is already a busy month without adding IVF to the mix. Also, it would be better tax-wise to wait until the New Year (something that had never crossed my mind!), and Josh wants another month to prepare and keep praying for a natural miracle. SO we keep praying and wait to see what the Lord has in store for us! Thank you for ...

We began praying not long ago for the Lord to help some buildings of ours to sell if it would be His will to provide for IVF that way. Well, yesterday, one of those buildings sold! Praise the Lord!!! I am so surprised! Usually when we pray for buildings to sell, it takes months and months, so what a blessing that this one went so quickly! I keep praising the Lord for miraculously working to sell this building. Buyers are not easy to come by in this market, so finding a buyer alone is a miracle. We are about halfway there--we would need at least one more to sell to be able to fund IVF. The good news is, we have one that is supposed to close this Friday! Would you pray with me that it closes and on time? If it does, we would be able to start IVF in January, Lord-willing. It is indescribably wonderful to see the Lord directly answer prayers!

We had our appointment on Monday as planned to discuss doing IVF again. Our biggest concern right now is the financial cost of it. This is a procedure that costs over $10,000 to do! We are still praying for wisdom, and right now are waiting on the Lord to provide if it is His will that we do this. It would be no trouble at all for God to provide the money upfront if He chooses, and so that is what we are praying. We have a couple of buildings that we are trying to sell. If/when they sell, we could feel comfortable moving forward in the IVF direction. Until that happens, though, we wait and pray. Would you pray with us? 1. For us to have wisdom and clarity of direction 2. For God to provide the money in a clear way if this is His will 3. For us to have the right response no matter what, and especially while we wait. "Delight yourself in the Lord, And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him and He will do it. He will bring...