The Positives

Lately I have been feeling like I'm being knocked around by life a bit.  My house is overwhelming in a continually disheveled, stuff-everywhere, does-that-laundry-basket-contain-clean-clothes-or-dirty? sort of way, there are projects piling up that I have no time for, my parenting abilities have clearly fallen on hard times, I feel like Josh and I have no time together, and I'm pretty sure (actually, very sure) that our most recent attempt with IVF has failed.

"One at a time!" I want to bellow to my trials. "Take a number!"

But life isn't like that, is it?  Trials don't come in neatly-wrapped bite-sized bundles, one at a time.  No, that's why we say, "when it rains, it pours."

So.

I thought I'd take a minute and just breathe for a second, and I find a lot of times I come here to breathe.  Or to write, which is similar.  Let me take a moment and focus on some positives for a few minutes:



These guys.  I do love them.  They are my miracles that walk around in everyday flesh, and I need to remember that every day.  Boy, are they a lot of work ("Clean-up on aisle 3!"), but I need to embrace the work and be thankful for it.  And the spilled goldfish whatever.  I prayed fervently for those spills once upon a time.  I'm still praying for more!


This is many things all in one to be thankful for: a beautiful day (hello, October!), a new haircut, our flexible homeschool schedule that allowed us to ditch school for the day (don't tell!) and go to the beach because I needed to.  I needed to.  A negative pregnancy test after you've invested so much in an IVF cycle will do that to you. (I don't have the courage to write about that one just yet.)




And my husband who rarely buys flowers (I'm saying this with no malice whatsoever, just stating a fact), went out and got me these as a surprise, which I woke up to this morning.  He loves me.  I can't tell you why because I can't point out anything particularly lovable about me these past couple of weeks, but he does.  And I am so thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for God's Word; for the surety of it, the comfort of it, and for the God I can know through His Word.

"For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope." Romans 15:4

And I do need me some hope these days!


Comments

Carrie said…
Oh Joanna, I'm so sorry you are having a rough day and there is a good chance your hopes will be crushed. I know I am like you in trying to be realistic, yet positive.. and still dropping low in emotions and feelings because what we hoped didn't happen. Keep reminding yourself of God's love always and forever - no matter what - but illustrated in sending His son for you, your family, husband, 2 beautiful boys! Keep counting the good gifts and the hard gifts because God is good and He is great all the time! Praying!!! Love you!
October 4, 2014 at 6:45 PM
Ruth said…
Oh what a great hubby you have! How sweet of him to get you flowers. I am also so glad you could ditch the schoolwork yesterday. That is indeed one of the blessings of homeschooling - SO MUCH flexibility. I love that aspect! I am so so so so sorry that you didn't see two lines. I was praying fervently that you would. As you know, two of my embryo transfers were unsuccessful (my first and my last) so I know from personal experience what it feels like. A negative hpt is always lousy when you're ttc, but the more you invest, the more it hurts (from my experience anyhow). I found that to be true as my dh and I progressed from trying on our own to pills then to shots then to IUIs to IVF. Aside from the physical and emotional investments, it also costs a lot of money. Plus in this case it's not a "I hope conception takes place" scenario. You are praying about a little life that has been in existence for over two years now. BIG difference. When I was taking my miscarriage so badly last fall after my last FET, my dh reminded me (many times) that we were hoping and praying for one baby to result from that ivf cycle and the Lord graciously did give us that baby. Although I wish that your second ivf cycle had resulted in both Seth AND a third baby in your arms, at least that ivf cycle did result in one precious little boy. Oh and I think you're being too hard on yourself about not feeling very lovable. Don't forget you've been jacked up on hormones the past couple of weeks thanks to shots and such. You are still a VERY lovable person. I am sorry this is one long string of thoughts that isn't very organized, but I'd like to share one last thought from my Bible study on Thessalonians this week. Paul REALLY wanted to go visit the church. He was quite strong in how he worded his desire to be with them in person, but it didn't happen, and so he wrote this letter instead, which has been a blessing to believers for about 2,000 years now. At the time I'm sure Paul had no idea that the letter he was writing would become a part of the Holy Bible. This was a reminder to me that God can bring good out of things that seem very bad to me. I pray that will be true for you. For myself I keep trying to remind myself that given how difficult my 3rd pregnancy was that maybe God knows that a 4th pregnancy would be fatal for me and that is why He allowed me to have a miscarriage last fall. Who knows. I just have to trust not understand. I am praying for you my dear friend. I wish I could give you a hug in person and let you cry on my shoulder.
October 4, 2014 at 6:57 PM
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