I'm Not Crazy
*This is probably not a post for the men to read, just to let you know.*
I have felt a little...unbalanced over the past year. "Unbalanced" may be too demure a word. Crazy would be more accurate. Sometimes I can't even express this brand of crazy to others. It's been an overwhelming-can't-explain-it-am-I-losing-my-mind kind of crazy. For you moms out there, maybe this will help describe what I'm trying to say: it's the kind of crazy that happens those first few weeks after you have given birth to a new baby. You're happy, you're sad. Why are you crying? You don't know. You're so frustrated! You are overwhelmed. You can't think straight. You see yourself act and hear yourself speak, but it's disconnected from reality. You think weird thoughts. You. Are. Not. YOU.
That's how I have felt.
Add that to very irregular cycles (see, I told you this wasn't a post for the men!) and some other physical symptoms I've been experiencing, and something had to be done. My sister-in-law Melanie marched me into the doctor's office last week to try to get some answers and to appeal The Milkshake Theory.
Yes, because the last doctor I saw told me that my problems stemmed from being too thin, exercising too much, and needing to "go have a milkshake." And I was too weepy and intimidated to refute him, even though I knew there was no milkshake on the planet that could cure what ailed me (if you know of one, let me know!). I saw a different doctor this time, who finally listened to all I had to say, looked at my blood work, and came up with what I believe explains my issues.
Premature Ovarian Failure.
In other words, early menopause. At 34 years old. I'm not crazy after all! It makes sense; the cycle issues, the other symptoms (google "menopause symptoms" if you're really curious), and my previous issues with my endometriosis and ovaries. I had forgotten that my IVF doctor told me when I was 26 that I had the ovaries of a 40-year-old. (What do you say to that? "Thanks?") Almost 9 years later, it would make sense that I now have the ovaries of an almost-50-year-old. Menopause. I haven't wrapped my mind around this yet, I'm still trying to process what this will mean for me. What I'd most like to know is how long will these symptoms last? How long until I get Old Jo back? Will she come back?
In the meantime, I'm at a week of family camp at The Wilds, which is the best place on earth for me to be at this uncertain time. I'm surrounded by God's beautiful creation, God's word being preached clearly, and family that loves me despite my alarming spontaneous crying spells. :) I am blessed!
I am reminding myself that God is completely good and completely in control, even when I am not. Especially when I am not.
"When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You, You have taken hold of my right hand." Ps 73:21, 23
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you." Is 43:2
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov 3:5-6
"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'" 2 Cor 12:9
I have felt a little...unbalanced over the past year. "Unbalanced" may be too demure a word. Crazy would be more accurate. Sometimes I can't even express this brand of crazy to others. It's been an overwhelming-can't-explain-it-am-I-losing-my-mind kind of crazy. For you moms out there, maybe this will help describe what I'm trying to say: it's the kind of crazy that happens those first few weeks after you have given birth to a new baby. You're happy, you're sad. Why are you crying? You don't know. You're so frustrated! You are overwhelmed. You can't think straight. You see yourself act and hear yourself speak, but it's disconnected from reality. You think weird thoughts. You. Are. Not. YOU.
That's how I have felt.
Add that to very irregular cycles (see, I told you this wasn't a post for the men!) and some other physical symptoms I've been experiencing, and something had to be done. My sister-in-law Melanie marched me into the doctor's office last week to try to get some answers and to appeal The Milkshake Theory.
Yes, because the last doctor I saw told me that my problems stemmed from being too thin, exercising too much, and needing to "go have a milkshake." And I was too weepy and intimidated to refute him, even though I knew there was no milkshake on the planet that could cure what ailed me (if you know of one, let me know!). I saw a different doctor this time, who finally listened to all I had to say, looked at my blood work, and came up with what I believe explains my issues.
Premature Ovarian Failure.
In other words, early menopause. At 34 years old. I'm not crazy after all! It makes sense; the cycle issues, the other symptoms (google "menopause symptoms" if you're really curious), and my previous issues with my endometriosis and ovaries. I had forgotten that my IVF doctor told me when I was 26 that I had the ovaries of a 40-year-old. (What do you say to that? "Thanks?") Almost 9 years later, it would make sense that I now have the ovaries of an almost-50-year-old. Menopause. I haven't wrapped my mind around this yet, I'm still trying to process what this will mean for me. What I'd most like to know is how long will these symptoms last? How long until I get Old Jo back? Will she come back?
In the meantime, I'm at a week of family camp at The Wilds, which is the best place on earth for me to be at this uncertain time. I'm surrounded by God's beautiful creation, God's word being preached clearly, and family that loves me despite my alarming spontaneous crying spells. :) I am blessed!
I am reminding myself that God is completely good and completely in control, even when I am not. Especially when I am not.
"When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You, You have taken hold of my right hand." Ps 73:21, 23
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you." Is 43:2
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov 3:5-6
"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'" 2 Cor 12:9
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