Being Honest With You

I've been silent on the infertility front lately, not because I have nothing to say about that, but because I'm afraid I will either bore you or weird you out and then you won't read my blog anymore. (Sound like kindergarten? "You wanna be my best friend?") So do me a favor; if you stop reading my blog, don't tell me. I like it better thinking at any time I could have zero or a hundred readers. Keeps things interesting, you know?

Anyway.

I wrestle with my infertility Every Single Day. Sometimes every single hour. Honestly. It's a wrestling match between my desires and what is apparently God's will for me, and it goes on all the time. I'm constantly going in the following pattern: Wanting a baby so badly. Seeing or hearing about yet another person who is pregnant or just had a baby. Feeling my heart literally ache. Feeling jealous over their blessing. Feeling guilty about feeling jealous. Reminding myself that God has chosen this path for me ON PURPOSE. Remembering that He does not make mistakes. Trying to praise Him for that fact.

I'm very weak at praising the Lord in and for this trial. I was rebuked recently through the testimony of a very dear family member who experienced a miscarriage. That couple was able, through all the tears, to praise the Lord and bring glory to Him. It was such an encouragement to me! I try to do that; oh how I try, but I find more often than not that I fall short and end up finding fault with God. And, in case you were wondering, there is NO fault with God! (I'm the one with the faults.) His way is perfect.

If I could just stay focused on that truth! His way is perfect even when my heart aches. He is still good even when my desires are left unfulfilled. God still loves me. God is completely in control and completely good.

I'm clinging to that right now like a drowning man clings to a life preserver.

And trying to praise the Lord in the midst of it!

Pray for me, will you?

Comments

Ruth said…
Of course I don't know for certain the reaction that others have when they read your posts dealing with IF, but my guess is that the only type of person who might struggle to read your posts would be those who are still waiting to become a mom - those who are still single although they long to be married and have kids as well as those who are married and have been ttc but still have empty arms. It's probably like how you feel when a pg woman complains about morning sickness. Those readers might find it hard to relate to your IF posts because of the fact you do have a sweet boy, BUT that's just my guess, and even if I'm right, I have no idea if anyone in that situation reads your blog. It seems from the comments others leave that most of your readers are already moms. Anyhow the bottom line is that it's YOUR blog and it's your way of expressing yourself and no one HAS to read it. I wouldn't worry about whether you are boring or "weirding people out" or whatever. I think most of the people who read this blog are probably your friends and family who really do care about how you are doing - and that includes your struggles with IF.
June 9, 2010 at 6:55 AM
The Stewardess said…
Just a gentle reminder that you have achieved pregnancy and experienced birth. There are thousands of women who will never experience either, those who will never know what it is to hold their own child because they are utterly infertile. You have been very blessed. God has not withheld anything from you. If you cannot find joy enough in being Noah's mother, he will soon become all too aware that you feel your experience of motherhood to be lacking. And that is something that he will carry with him always, the knowledge of being less than enough. There are in fact benefits to being able to parent just one child; our church culture will tell us that being joyful about those benefits is selfish, but for those of us that find that our family includes just one child, there is no reason, biblical or otherwise, not to take advantage of those benefits, and to enjoy them. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow. At this time of life, I would not be able to give as much as I currently do of myself to my son, my husband, my church, my extended family and my friends if I had more than one child. It does not make having one child better than having multiple children, but it has its own, different, value.
June 9, 2010 at 11:29 AM
Joanna said…
Thank you ladies for your comments! It's helpful to me to know what people are really thinking when they read a post.

Let me clarify that I love my son dearly and view him as an absolute miracle and incredible blessing from the Lord. I don't think that wanting another child means that I'm not thankful for the son I have. It's because Noah is such a blessing that I'd like more children.

Why do most people want more children? Is it because they find their first child to be insufficient and unsatisfying for them? I don't think so. I think it's because the Lord put into some people the desire for more children. "Behold children are a gift of the Lord... How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them..." Ps 127:3a, 5a

Some quivers are full at one, others at 2, and others at 8 or more! I think my problem right now is accepting with joy that my ideal quiver size is different from what the Lord has in mind for me.

Thanks again for your comments and for taking time to read my blog. :)
June 9, 2010 at 1:16 PM
Ruth said…
There have been a few times over the past few months that I have almost posted about the benefits of having only one child, but I thought maybe I was the wrong person to say that given I have two children. However now that Marissa has said it (and it's probably easier to hear it from her given she also has one child), I just want to say that having two children has helped me realize the benefits of having only one child. I realize there are also benefits to having two - more opportunities to practice sharing and having a playmate other than Mommy (eventually) as two examples. However, there are also benefits to being an only child. Nadia used to get SOOO much more of my time, energy, affection, etc when she was an only child (same goes for Paul's time/energy). Ian will never have the experience that Nadia did, and Paul and I still struggle with the adjustment of what we are able to give Nadia. You have more time/energy, etc. to give Noah as well as your hubby, church, etc as Marissa said than you would if you had more than one child at this point. Also, maybe some day your feelings towards adoption will change. I think that sometimes God uses infertility to cause those who might not otherwise have adopted to provide a Christian family for the fatherless. I am not saying it's God's will for you to adopt. I wouldn't exclude that as a possibility though. I know I'm not exactly the poster child for adoption in light of our failed attempts at both domestic and int'l adoption, but I do still believe that adoption can be a wonderful thing for the child and adoptive parents. In fact, I would definitely be up for pursuing it again if Paul agreed to do so.
June 10, 2010 at 6:08 AM
The Stewardess said…
Ruth, Bless you for your honesty! If I could be a Michelle Duggar, with 19 children I would. Who wouldn't? if they could BE her- with her particular talents and patience, resources etc. What a blessing! And two children, a blessing! For many reasons- built-in playmates, even match-up with the parents, everything seems to come in four-packs, making family of four nice and tidy. :) But there ARE blessings to having one child, other than one is not none. And I think parents of an "only" child should be allowed to celebrate the unique benefits. I know that you would never in a million years wish that your two were "just" one, but it was so kind of you to contribute your thoughts on the benefits of having one. Of course no one wishes for more children because they are not satisfied with the child they have, but we are certainly called to find joy in our circumstances. There is joy in being Noah's mom, but there is also joy to be found in being "only" Noah's mom. I am not advocating only children as preferable to the size of any other family, but I am certainly advocating LOVING the size of your family, whatever that is.
June 10, 2010 at 1:04 PM
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