From Ugly Cry to Big Praise
This morning the Lord worked on my behalf in a big way, and I need to write it down so that Future Me can be encouraged. I wish I could change the names and circumstances to avoid embarrassment, but I can't. Instead, I asked Noah if I could write about it, and he said "Yes. Just don't post it on Facebook." Roger that.
It was 9:47am, and I had just called Noah in from outside to give him some further instructions with Eden, so I could give Seth a Reading lesson without interruption. As Noah was standing at the door, he began what I call "man-handling" Eden, which means he was trying to forcibly get her to do what he thought she should be doing, which was to stay on the mat and not get the floor muddy. A good goal, but man-handling never goes well. It doesn't leave the one being forced feeling all rosy and teachable. It usually backfires and causes even more of a fight. Not only does it NOT work, it is also sinful. Plus, I was standing right there. I'm the mom, and I should be the one instructing children where possible. I reminded Noah that I was right there, and he could leave the instruction to me, which didn't go well. He got angry at me, really angry. So we had a problem.
I sent Noah to my bathroom, which doubles as a discipline room (and chocolate-eating room sometimes!). Thankfully, my mother-in-law was doing a 2's and 3's Sunday School class via Zoom beginning at 10, so I set Eden and Seth up to participate in that, and sat down in my chair to pray. I struggle with anger probably to the same extent that Noah does, and so it's not wise for me to blow into a discipline scenario while I'm boiling. I asked God for wisdom, calmed down, and then went to talk to Noah. It didn't go well. Among other things, he began accusing me of ignoring Seth's faults and magnifying his own, and standing idly by when Eden needs discipline attention. "If I don't get involved," he said, "no one will! You just let them get away with anything and then blame me for it when it goes wrong!!"
We talked about that for a bit, mostly in circles. That's how most of these scenarios play out. He's very crafty at deflecting the real issues, and I usually just fall right into the trap. Anyway. In trying to get the point across that I am the parent, and he is the child, I actually said, "God is in charge. He has put Dad and me over you. WE are the parents. YOU are the LITTLE BOY." I pointed my finger at him and everything. *cringes* Well, folks, I'm here to tell you: don't say that. That is the wrong thing to say to a 12-year-old. The wall that had been standing between us was now like Fort Knox. Noah got even angrier, and then I got angry again too. I told Noah we both needed a break, and I sent him to his room and told him that I needed to pray again, and when we could both be calm, we would talk again. At that point (alone in my chair for the second time), I sent Josh an SOS text which read, "I'm in a really tough spot with Noah. He's completely insubordinate and not listening to me. I've sent him to sit on his bed until I can handle him meekly again. Please pray for me."
I prayed, and asked God to please help me WITH SCRIPTURE guide my son through this. Scripture is what I needed, not more of my own thoughts. My 12-year-old is much better at verbal volleying than I am, and I knew I needed God's words, not my own. God brought to mind a passage in 1 Peter 2 and I'll post it here now (I never said this was the short version of the story, so if you've made it this far, bravo!):
"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly. He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1Peter 2:21-25
As I was praying over this passage, God convicted me that I should not have said what I did, humiliating Noah and calling him a "little boy," complete with pointed finger and enunciated syllables. So the first thing I did when Noah and I re-convened was to ask his forgiveness for humiliating him and calling him a little boy. And I tell you, it was like a small chunk of his wall crumbled a little. I actually saw in his eyes a small softening and, quite possibly a tear!
I then shared the above passage with him and said, "God, in His wisdom, chooses the exact parents he wants each kid to have. And He chooses the exact kid He wants parents to have. You are in our family, and it's on purpose because God wanted it that way, and I wouldn't change it. But we're sinners, all of us! Dad and I fail all the time! You've seen us! But I'm telling you, we are trying to get it right. We're trying to make the right call each time. We love you! We love all our kids and we're always before God, trying to do what is right. But you know, sometimes we fail. We have failed, we do fail, and we will fail again. We fail all the time, actually, but God knows that! And God is the Shepherd of us all. HE is the one who has all of these things under control! And He is the one who gets it right 100% of the time. So when you see us sin every day, and you are called to submit, take Christ as your example. Keep entrusting yourself to God! Christ didn't do anything wrong, but when people insulted him, he didn't get back at them! He calls us to the same. That's going to take humility, but with Christ's help, it's possible! Don't submit to us because we are always right, submit to God because He is always right--He judges justly!!"
I said more along the same lines, but I can't remember it all. By this point we both had tears streaming down our cheeks, in full-on ugly cry. God is so good. His word IS alive and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword! It does pierce even to the dividing of soul and spirit and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart! I am so thankful for His words, His wisdom, His enabling.
Problem solved, right? Well, sort of.
At this point, Josh had gotten my text and called me to check on the situation. "Put Noah on the phone, I want to talk to him." He was prepared for the way Noah usually is, and was ready to be heavy-handed with him. This brought up all the old anger, and Noah was once again raging. "SEE!?" he exploded, "That's what I mean! Why does he always do that? Dad just assumes I'm not humble!!! He's not even right! I AM HUMBLE!! HE RUINED IT!" (oh boy. In a clear moment, a statement like that, said like that would be funny, but not right then.) After hanging up the phone call and by some miracle getting Noah to sit down and talk again, I said, "Here's an opportunity, Noah. Dad assumed that you weren't humble because, let's be honest: that's usually the case. This time, though, you were being humble. He didn't know that. Now here's a perfect chance for you to practice what we just talked about. Whether Dad was right or not in what he said, what are you going to do with it? Are you going to yell and get angry and so sin again yourself?, or are you going to respond like Christ with humility and keep on entrusting yourself to God?"
We walked through what a humble response to that phone call would have looked like, and how he could have prayed and asked God to help him. The soft look returned. Praise God, by His grace, Noah and I were able to pray together for God's help to be humble, hug each other, and he actually hugged me back! Tight! And he's been a different kid all day.
Folks, that interaction took AN HOUR! An hour. But I wouldn't trade a second of it. So often I rush through disciplining that I forget I'm trying to make disciples. I try to just get it done and in the process, I stomp all over any effect the gospel could have. Future Me, take your time. Pray. Ask God for Scripture. Don't even worry about what you "should" be doing with that time. Invest it. It IS worth it!!!
To God be the glory.
It was 9:47am, and I had just called Noah in from outside to give him some further instructions with Eden, so I could give Seth a Reading lesson without interruption. As Noah was standing at the door, he began what I call "man-handling" Eden, which means he was trying to forcibly get her to do what he thought she should be doing, which was to stay on the mat and not get the floor muddy. A good goal, but man-handling never goes well. It doesn't leave the one being forced feeling all rosy and teachable. It usually backfires and causes even more of a fight. Not only does it NOT work, it is also sinful. Plus, I was standing right there. I'm the mom, and I should be the one instructing children where possible. I reminded Noah that I was right there, and he could leave the instruction to me, which didn't go well. He got angry at me, really angry. So we had a problem.
I sent Noah to my bathroom, which doubles as a discipline room (and chocolate-eating room sometimes!). Thankfully, my mother-in-law was doing a 2's and 3's Sunday School class via Zoom beginning at 10, so I set Eden and Seth up to participate in that, and sat down in my chair to pray. I struggle with anger probably to the same extent that Noah does, and so it's not wise for me to blow into a discipline scenario while I'm boiling. I asked God for wisdom, calmed down, and then went to talk to Noah. It didn't go well. Among other things, he began accusing me of ignoring Seth's faults and magnifying his own, and standing idly by when Eden needs discipline attention. "If I don't get involved," he said, "no one will! You just let them get away with anything and then blame me for it when it goes wrong!!"
We talked about that for a bit, mostly in circles. That's how most of these scenarios play out. He's very crafty at deflecting the real issues, and I usually just fall right into the trap. Anyway. In trying to get the point across that I am the parent, and he is the child, I actually said, "God is in charge. He has put Dad and me over you. WE are the parents. YOU are the LITTLE BOY." I pointed my finger at him and everything. *cringes* Well, folks, I'm here to tell you: don't say that. That is the wrong thing to say to a 12-year-old. The wall that had been standing between us was now like Fort Knox. Noah got even angrier, and then I got angry again too. I told Noah we both needed a break, and I sent him to his room and told him that I needed to pray again, and when we could both be calm, we would talk again. At that point (alone in my chair for the second time), I sent Josh an SOS text which read, "I'm in a really tough spot with Noah. He's completely insubordinate and not listening to me. I've sent him to sit on his bed until I can handle him meekly again. Please pray for me."
I prayed, and asked God to please help me WITH SCRIPTURE guide my son through this. Scripture is what I needed, not more of my own thoughts. My 12-year-old is much better at verbal volleying than I am, and I knew I needed God's words, not my own. God brought to mind a passage in 1 Peter 2 and I'll post it here now (I never said this was the short version of the story, so if you've made it this far, bravo!):
"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly. He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1Peter 2:21-25
As I was praying over this passage, God convicted me that I should not have said what I did, humiliating Noah and calling him a "little boy," complete with pointed finger and enunciated syllables. So the first thing I did when Noah and I re-convened was to ask his forgiveness for humiliating him and calling him a little boy. And I tell you, it was like a small chunk of his wall crumbled a little. I actually saw in his eyes a small softening and, quite possibly a tear!
I then shared the above passage with him and said, "God, in His wisdom, chooses the exact parents he wants each kid to have. And He chooses the exact kid He wants parents to have. You are in our family, and it's on purpose because God wanted it that way, and I wouldn't change it. But we're sinners, all of us! Dad and I fail all the time! You've seen us! But I'm telling you, we are trying to get it right. We're trying to make the right call each time. We love you! We love all our kids and we're always before God, trying to do what is right. But you know, sometimes we fail. We have failed, we do fail, and we will fail again. We fail all the time, actually, but God knows that! And God is the Shepherd of us all. HE is the one who has all of these things under control! And He is the one who gets it right 100% of the time. So when you see us sin every day, and you are called to submit, take Christ as your example. Keep entrusting yourself to God! Christ didn't do anything wrong, but when people insulted him, he didn't get back at them! He calls us to the same. That's going to take humility, but with Christ's help, it's possible! Don't submit to us because we are always right, submit to God because He is always right--He judges justly!!"
I said more along the same lines, but I can't remember it all. By this point we both had tears streaming down our cheeks, in full-on ugly cry. God is so good. His word IS alive and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword! It does pierce even to the dividing of soul and spirit and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart! I am so thankful for His words, His wisdom, His enabling.
Problem solved, right? Well, sort of.
At this point, Josh had gotten my text and called me to check on the situation. "Put Noah on the phone, I want to talk to him." He was prepared for the way Noah usually is, and was ready to be heavy-handed with him. This brought up all the old anger, and Noah was once again raging. "SEE!?" he exploded, "That's what I mean! Why does he always do that? Dad just assumes I'm not humble!!! He's not even right! I AM HUMBLE!! HE RUINED IT!" (oh boy. In a clear moment, a statement like that, said like that would be funny, but not right then.) After hanging up the phone call and by some miracle getting Noah to sit down and talk again, I said, "Here's an opportunity, Noah. Dad assumed that you weren't humble because, let's be honest: that's usually the case. This time, though, you were being humble. He didn't know that. Now here's a perfect chance for you to practice what we just talked about. Whether Dad was right or not in what he said, what are you going to do with it? Are you going to yell and get angry and so sin again yourself?, or are you going to respond like Christ with humility and keep on entrusting yourself to God?"
We walked through what a humble response to that phone call would have looked like, and how he could have prayed and asked God to help him. The soft look returned. Praise God, by His grace, Noah and I were able to pray together for God's help to be humble, hug each other, and he actually hugged me back! Tight! And he's been a different kid all day.
Folks, that interaction took AN HOUR! An hour. But I wouldn't trade a second of it. So often I rush through disciplining that I forget I'm trying to make disciples. I try to just get it done and in the process, I stomp all over any effect the gospel could have. Future Me, take your time. Pray. Ask God for Scripture. Don't even worry about what you "should" be doing with that time. Invest it. It IS worth it!!!
To God be the glory.
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