Recent Sadness

I've been hesitating to post this because I try to keep my blog upbeat and positive. I try not to make it all about one topic (so as not to bore you and also to try to represent many of the facets of my family's daily life) and I try not to throw pity-parties.

But I also want it to be real. When I started this blog, my primary goal was to keep a journal that was sincere and an accurate account of where the Lord has led us; complete with all the bumps, laughter, obstacles, failures and victories along the way. I think it's important to be able to look back on your life and see very clearly that the Lord was leading and answering prayer--for my spiritual benefit, but also just to remember what life was like!

It is with this in mind that I write this post. Not to depress you, but to give an accurate account of what I have been facing over the last few days or so.

This has been a hard "infertile" week for me. I have these occasionally; days where it seems like everyone is pregnant or just had a baby and I'm the only one left who can't. (Incidentally I'm reminded of Elijah in times like these. It's common when in a hard circumstance to feel like you're the only one, but the Lord reminds us that we're not alone.) Days when I go to Wal-mart or the zoo or the library and see a pregnant belly around every corner (at the library's Story Time the other day, there were 3 other women there, and each of the other 3 women was expecting or had wheeled in a newborn). Days when I open my Facebook page and see pregnancy announcements and belly photos and updates on people's pregnancies all down the front page.

And I'm happy for these people.

I think it's important to say that! I'm happy for them. But I ache too. It's an actual, palpable, honest ache that I feel. Oh, I take it to the Lord:

"Are you weary, are you heavy hearted?

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.

Are you grieving over joys departed?

Tell it to Jesus alone."

I remember that God makes no mistakes:

"Though at times my heart would break

There's a purpose in every change He makes;

That others would see my life and know

That God makes no mistakes."

I meditate on Scripture:

"The Lord will accomplish what concerns me;

Your lovingkindness, O Lord is everlasting;

Do not forsake the work of Your hands." Ps. 138:8

"The Lord is righteous in all His ways

and kind in all His deeds.

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him,

To all who call upon Him in truth.

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;

He will also hear their cry and will save them." Ps. 145:17-19

But honestly? I still ache.

I don't know what the Lord's will is for my life in this regard. Should we adopt? Should we pursue more infertility treatments? Should we learn to be happy with our one child and be done with it all?

In the end, of course, I know the Lord has a plan for me in this dark valley! I know that there is hope, and I know that in Heaven all this pain will seem like a blip on the page of eternity (if it's significant enough to even rate on the page in comparison with Christ!). I know that God's ways are infinitely above my ways, and I know that God is working it all out for good--that I would be more Christlike.

Again, I'm just being honest here. This is what some days are like, and I thought it better to record a true record than to sugar-coat everything. Years down the road I want to look back and see, like in the classic Footprints poem, that the Lord had me in His arms during the hardest times.

And that He was in control. Because He is. :)