Where is your God?
Things sort of came to a head last night. There have been several trials in my life recently that have been testing me to show where I put my faith. I have failed each one, and been shown that my faith was in myself. God used my husband to point these things out to me, and while it is never easy to confront or point out someone else's sin, praise God Josh did it anyway.
Last night we went to Chick-fil-a for dinner with our kids. We were supposed to have had a date, but Eden woke up that morning with a cold, and we couldn't subject the babysitter to that. So there we were as a family, the boys fighting about ev.er.y.thing, snotty-nosed Eden on my left, who was also grabbing for my salad and threatening to spill it everywhere, and Seth on my right, who was complaining of stomach discomfort. Great. Me in the middle with stomach pain of my own (I've been struggling with daily stomach pain). Finally, it had gotten to be too much. "It." The idol of my own comfort, the idol of contrived peace. I grabbed my salad, and announced I was going to eat the rest of it in the car. Oh yes, I did. I flounced out of the restaurant and ate the rest of my salad in the peace of my own creation. My own peace, which didn't include any squabbling kids, one-year-old shenanigans, or sickly stomachs. The trouble was, what I was requiring to maintain peace was not the same thing that God was giving me.
Fast forward to late o'clock that night. Saturday is my night to put the kids to bed (Josh and I do it jointly during the weekdays, and then we each take a weekend night, giving the other one a night "off"). After finally getting the boys in bed (at 10:00!!), I was washing my face in preparation for my own bedtime when I heard, "Mommy." Pep. At my elbow, tattling on Noah who had allegedly hit him. Ugh. Almost every night we go through this same routine: send the boys to bed, a fight breaks out, discipline one or both of them, send them back to bed. It happens with exhausting regularity. I. Had. Had. It. I stormed out and basically told Josh he was going to have to handle this situation because I was going to hurt somebody if I had to do it. So Josh dealt with it, and I climbed wearily into bed.
When Josh came in to tuck me in, I began ranting about how late it was, and that I was sick of being the "nice guy" who had let them stay up so late in the first place. Not that the late night was what caused the fight, but that these fights have become so typical that we need to allow time to deal with them on a nightly basis.
Then Josh surprised me.
He said, "You know, what's really sad is that God is not big enough for you." (He said it nicer than that, but I'm trying to save time and space on here.) I had bailed on him at the restaurant earlier that night, and I had bailed on him again when it was clearly time for me to handle the problem. He said that lately he has noticed that I heat up really fast, then blow a gasket, and leave him to pick up the pieces of situations I don't want to handle. Though these things hurt to hear, they were just what I needed. He was right, and all he was doing was holding up a mirror to my ugly heart. My mind started playing back for me in startling detail all the ways that I was giving up when things get hard, instead of leaning harder on God.
Where is my God when I face daily stomach pain? I have been popping antacids and lying down when it gets bad.
Where is God when my kids are disobedient? I deflect, dodge, and delay dealing biblically with these issues. ("You go sit over there, and you over there, and nobody talks. Got it?")
Where is God when Eden is being a normal one-year-old? I wish fervently for nap time, and groan and complain and roll my eyes when she is awake. Or demand some time out to go shopping.
Where is God when I'm tired in the middle of the day? I go brew a cup of coffee.
Where is God when I'm angry? I can't see Him, I'm too busy blowing up.
Where is God when I fear sickness? I wouldn't know, I left the room already.
Where is God when I face unfamiliar territory in parenting? I just give up.
Where is God when I won't travel or do anything that makes me uncomfortable? I really don't need Him then, do I?
Where is God when I realize I can't keep a house clean? I explode at everyone, and threaten to throw all their stuff away. How mature of me.
Where is God when I'm too tired to get up and exercise in the morning? I go back to sleep.
Where is God when I feel jealousy over some privilege belonging to someone else?
It goes on and on. Is God enough for me? Is He sufficient? I have been living in denial that He is.
But thank God for His forgiveness! Thank God that I can repent and return to Him. May I rely on God. May I remember that He is more than enough for me. May I trust Him to be faithful, and find His yoke to be easy and His burden light. God's way brings the true peace. It is good to stop wandering in the wilderness of my own devices.
Last night we went to Chick-fil-a for dinner with our kids. We were supposed to have had a date, but Eden woke up that morning with a cold, and we couldn't subject the babysitter to that. So there we were as a family, the boys fighting about ev.er.y.thing, snotty-nosed Eden on my left, who was also grabbing for my salad and threatening to spill it everywhere, and Seth on my right, who was complaining of stomach discomfort. Great. Me in the middle with stomach pain of my own (I've been struggling with daily stomach pain). Finally, it had gotten to be too much. "It." The idol of my own comfort, the idol of contrived peace. I grabbed my salad, and announced I was going to eat the rest of it in the car. Oh yes, I did. I flounced out of the restaurant and ate the rest of my salad in the peace of my own creation. My own peace, which didn't include any squabbling kids, one-year-old shenanigans, or sickly stomachs. The trouble was, what I was requiring to maintain peace was not the same thing that God was giving me.
Fast forward to late o'clock that night. Saturday is my night to put the kids to bed (Josh and I do it jointly during the weekdays, and then we each take a weekend night, giving the other one a night "off"). After finally getting the boys in bed (at 10:00!!), I was washing my face in preparation for my own bedtime when I heard, "Mommy." Pep. At my elbow, tattling on Noah who had allegedly hit him. Ugh. Almost every night we go through this same routine: send the boys to bed, a fight breaks out, discipline one or both of them, send them back to bed. It happens with exhausting regularity. I. Had. Had. It. I stormed out and basically told Josh he was going to have to handle this situation because I was going to hurt somebody if I had to do it. So Josh dealt with it, and I climbed wearily into bed.
When Josh came in to tuck me in, I began ranting about how late it was, and that I was sick of being the "nice guy" who had let them stay up so late in the first place. Not that the late night was what caused the fight, but that these fights have become so typical that we need to allow time to deal with them on a nightly basis.
Then Josh surprised me.
He said, "You know, what's really sad is that God is not big enough for you." (He said it nicer than that, but I'm trying to save time and space on here.) I had bailed on him at the restaurant earlier that night, and I had bailed on him again when it was clearly time for me to handle the problem. He said that lately he has noticed that I heat up really fast, then blow a gasket, and leave him to pick up the pieces of situations I don't want to handle. Though these things hurt to hear, they were just what I needed. He was right, and all he was doing was holding up a mirror to my ugly heart. My mind started playing back for me in startling detail all the ways that I was giving up when things get hard, instead of leaning harder on God.
Where is my God when I face daily stomach pain? I have been popping antacids and lying down when it gets bad.
Where is God when my kids are disobedient? I deflect, dodge, and delay dealing biblically with these issues. ("You go sit over there, and you over there, and nobody talks. Got it?")
Where is God when Eden is being a normal one-year-old? I wish fervently for nap time, and groan and complain and roll my eyes when she is awake. Or demand some time out to go shopping.
Where is God when I'm tired in the middle of the day? I go brew a cup of coffee.
Where is God when I'm angry? I can't see Him, I'm too busy blowing up.
Where is God when I fear sickness? I wouldn't know, I left the room already.
Where is God when I face unfamiliar territory in parenting? I just give up.
Where is God when I won't travel or do anything that makes me uncomfortable? I really don't need Him then, do I?
Where is God when I realize I can't keep a house clean? I explode at everyone, and threaten to throw all their stuff away. How mature of me.
Where is God when I'm too tired to get up and exercise in the morning? I go back to sleep.
Where is God when I feel jealousy over some privilege belonging to someone else?
It goes on and on. Is God enough for me? Is He sufficient? I have been living in denial that He is.
But thank God for His forgiveness! Thank God that I can repent and return to Him. May I rely on God. May I remember that He is more than enough for me. May I trust Him to be faithful, and find His yoke to be easy and His burden light. God's way brings the true peace. It is good to stop wandering in the wilderness of my own devices.
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