As Long As You Are Glorified
I seem to be receiving the same test from the Lord with perpetual red ink across the top reading, "Do-over." "F--See Me after class!" I came here to write about something and found I have already written about this same thing multiple times. Different circumstances, same bottom-line lesson. Why can't I learn the lesson? I felt the same way when we were struggling with infertility. Month after month on an endless roller coaster of "Will you trust Me?" "Yes, I mean, no...I mean, yes."
Let me back up.
Last week I heard for the first time a song called, "As Long As You Are Glorified." (Jen, if you're reading this and approve, I'd like to sing it next time I'm scheduled for special music) I sang it all week long. Here are the lyrics. I dare you not to be convicted!
"Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings,
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank you for days of sunshine,
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love You in times of plenty,
Then leave You in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest,
But when winter winds blow, then doubt?
Oh, let Your will be done in me,
In Your love I will abide;
Oh, I long for nothing else
As long as You are glorified
Are You good only when I prosper,
And trust only when I'm filled?
Are You King only when I'm care-free,
And God only when I'm well?
You are good when I'm poor and needy.
You are true when I'm parched and dry.
You still reign in the deepest valley.
You're still God in the darkest night.
Oh, let Your will be done in me,
In Your love I will abide,
Oh, I long for nothing else
As long as You are glorified."
Oh, Amen! Yes! Everything in my heart resonated with those words. "Of course, Lord; I trust You no matter what!" Oh really? Well, let's see about that... Josh and I were looking forward to our 16 year wedding anniversary on December 22. Last year, for our 15th, we weren't able to do anything much because Eden was barely 6 weeks old and nursing every 2 and a 1/2 hours. So this year, we owed it to ourselves to celebrate big. We began planning it weeks ago. We didn't quite know what we wanted to do, but we knew it involved at least one night with no kids. No. Kids. What's that like? We went through our list of babysitters (which didn't take very long because there are exactly two of them) and decided to ask Matt and Jen. To our delight, they agreed to watch our kids for the night on Dec 22. We began planning more in detail. It was going to be beautiful; take in a movie (Murder on the Orient Express), have dinner at a fancy place with no one to cut meat for, no one to interrupt us, just Josh and me, alone for an overnight. I was so excited. And the funny thing is, the whole time we were planning, I knew it could all go sideways. I knew it was Lord-willing. I knew it could be de-railed as quickly as we were planning. We prayed for all the details to go smoothly. We prayed everyone would be healthy enough, etc. We prepared for our date.
Then Jen texted me in the morning on the 22nd, saying that Titus was vomiting. Game. Changer. And immediately it was all okay. I promise, it really was. I surrendered to God's will, and was fine. We cancelled our date and I gave thanks to the Lord from my heart. I passed the test!
And then.
Around 3pm Eden awoke from her nap. She woke up grumpy and needy. Seth was needy at the same time. And I looked at the clock at 3:08 and suddenly it all sank in: I could have been dropping my kids off at Matt and Jen's right now. I could be on my way to the theater. I could be alone with my husband. I could be taking just the break that I needed, that I deserved. And suddenly, at 3:08pm, I failed the test that I thought I had passed. I wish I could tell you that I preached truth to myself and snapped out of it. Instead, I cried.
Is God still God when you spend your 16th wedding anniversary cutting up food for your little kids? When your conversation is listened to by 3 little sets of ears? When it is interrupted by 3 little voices? When you once again have to lock the bedroom door instead of having the once-in-a-decade privilege of leaving it open?
"Are You King only when I'm care-free?"
Thankfully, a day later, now I can say He is King all the time. God once again used the power of His word to help me come around. Maybe next time--hopefully next time--I'll pass the test for real and trust Him without wavering, without the 3pm backslide. Lord, help me!
Let me back up.
Last week I heard for the first time a song called, "As Long As You Are Glorified." (Jen, if you're reading this and approve, I'd like to sing it next time I'm scheduled for special music) I sang it all week long. Here are the lyrics. I dare you not to be convicted!
"Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings,
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank you for days of sunshine,
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love You in times of plenty,
Then leave You in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest,
But when winter winds blow, then doubt?
Oh, let Your will be done in me,
In Your love I will abide;
Oh, I long for nothing else
As long as You are glorified
Are You good only when I prosper,
And trust only when I'm filled?
Are You King only when I'm care-free,
And God only when I'm well?
You are good when I'm poor and needy.
You are true when I'm parched and dry.
You still reign in the deepest valley.
You're still God in the darkest night.
Oh, let Your will be done in me,
In Your love I will abide,
Oh, I long for nothing else
As long as You are glorified."
Oh, Amen! Yes! Everything in my heart resonated with those words. "Of course, Lord; I trust You no matter what!" Oh really? Well, let's see about that... Josh and I were looking forward to our 16 year wedding anniversary on December 22. Last year, for our 15th, we weren't able to do anything much because Eden was barely 6 weeks old and nursing every 2 and a 1/2 hours. So this year, we owed it to ourselves to celebrate big. We began planning it weeks ago. We didn't quite know what we wanted to do, but we knew it involved at least one night with no kids. No. Kids. What's that like? We went through our list of babysitters (which didn't take very long because there are exactly two of them) and decided to ask Matt and Jen. To our delight, they agreed to watch our kids for the night on Dec 22. We began planning more in detail. It was going to be beautiful; take in a movie (Murder on the Orient Express), have dinner at a fancy place with no one to cut meat for, no one to interrupt us, just Josh and me, alone for an overnight. I was so excited. And the funny thing is, the whole time we were planning, I knew it could all go sideways. I knew it was Lord-willing. I knew it could be de-railed as quickly as we were planning. We prayed for all the details to go smoothly. We prayed everyone would be healthy enough, etc. We prepared for our date.
Then Jen texted me in the morning on the 22nd, saying that Titus was vomiting. Game. Changer. And immediately it was all okay. I promise, it really was. I surrendered to God's will, and was fine. We cancelled our date and I gave thanks to the Lord from my heart. I passed the test!
And then.
Around 3pm Eden awoke from her nap. She woke up grumpy and needy. Seth was needy at the same time. And I looked at the clock at 3:08 and suddenly it all sank in: I could have been dropping my kids off at Matt and Jen's right now. I could be on my way to the theater. I could be alone with my husband. I could be taking just the break that I needed, that I deserved. And suddenly, at 3:08pm, I failed the test that I thought I had passed. I wish I could tell you that I preached truth to myself and snapped out of it. Instead, I cried.
Is God still God when you spend your 16th wedding anniversary cutting up food for your little kids? When your conversation is listened to by 3 little sets of ears? When it is interrupted by 3 little voices? When you once again have to lock the bedroom door instead of having the once-in-a-decade privilege of leaving it open?
"Are You King only when I'm care-free?"
Thankfully, a day later, now I can say He is King all the time. God once again used the power of His word to help me come around. Maybe next time--hopefully next time--I'll pass the test for real and trust Him without wavering, without the 3pm backslide. Lord, help me!
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