Four in Five
When I go through a significant trial, I usually can't trust myself to write about it right away. The feelings are too raw, my flesh is too strong, and I fear I will say something I will regret. But I think I am ready now. God has reminded me of late that He is in complete control, and that "no purpose of [His] can be thwarted." Job 42:2 These are vital things to know when you go through trials inexplicable.
Over the last five months, God has allowed Josh and me to lose four babies. Four babies in five months. In May and again in July, we lost two miracle pregnancies almost as quickly as we discovered them. And now here in October, we have lost two more precious ones to a failed IVF cycle.
I have done a lot of asking God, "Why?" which for the record always turns out to be an exercise in frustration and brings with it no peace, only more questions and prideful accusations. Then I remembered Job, who in the middle of his trials (which were exponentially broader than my own), asked God, "Why?" and also didn't receive the answer he thought he would.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding, Who set its measurements? Since you know." Job 38:4-5
"Who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb; when I made a cloud its garment...and I placed boundaries on it and set a bolt and doors, and I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; and here shall your proud waves stop'?" Job 38:8-10
"Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place...?" Job 38:12
"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail, which I have reserved for the time of distress, for the day of war and battle?" Job 38:22-23
These (and many, many more) are all God's words to Job, and they are now His words to me. They have the same effect on me that they did on Job all those thousands of years ago; our mouths are stopped. It is enough. I am not God. I don't know why we lost four babies in five months, but I do know that God is the giver of life. He is the Creator of babies, causing them to thrive or die, all for His good pleasure and His good purposes. It is well with my soul. Does it hurt? Absolutely. But they were His babies to begin with, never mine, so I will choose to trust God through the grief.
Well, so where do we go from here? Not sure yet. We need to take some time to pray and seek the Lord about what to do. I *really* want to do IVF again. Josh *really* does not (at least not right now). So we pray. We do more waiting. I should be exceptionally good at waiting by now (I'm not though). Will you pray with us?
Over the last five months, God has allowed Josh and me to lose four babies. Four babies in five months. In May and again in July, we lost two miracle pregnancies almost as quickly as we discovered them. And now here in October, we have lost two more precious ones to a failed IVF cycle.
I have done a lot of asking God, "Why?" which for the record always turns out to be an exercise in frustration and brings with it no peace, only more questions and prideful accusations. Then I remembered Job, who in the middle of his trials (which were exponentially broader than my own), asked God, "Why?" and also didn't receive the answer he thought he would.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding, Who set its measurements? Since you know." Job 38:4-5
"Who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb; when I made a cloud its garment...and I placed boundaries on it and set a bolt and doors, and I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; and here shall your proud waves stop'?" Job 38:8-10
"Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place...?" Job 38:12
"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail, which I have reserved for the time of distress, for the day of war and battle?" Job 38:22-23
These (and many, many more) are all God's words to Job, and they are now His words to me. They have the same effect on me that they did on Job all those thousands of years ago; our mouths are stopped. It is enough. I am not God. I don't know why we lost four babies in five months, but I do know that God is the giver of life. He is the Creator of babies, causing them to thrive or die, all for His good pleasure and His good purposes. It is well with my soul. Does it hurt? Absolutely. But they were His babies to begin with, never mine, so I will choose to trust God through the grief.
Well, so where do we go from here? Not sure yet. We need to take some time to pray and seek the Lord about what to do. I *really* want to do IVF again. Josh *really* does not (at least not right now). So we pray. We do more waiting. I should be exceptionally good at waiting by now (I'm not though). Will you pray with us?
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