My Ebenezer

Jen and I took the kids to the zoo yesterday for a fun morning out. The Lord knew I needed to get out of the house and be distracted for a while. And He showed me a little of His mercy even at the zoo! I usually see around 10 pregnant ladies every time I go to the zoo (if you have lived through infertility, you understand the significance of that statement and why I can tell you how many I see when I go out), but yesterday? Just three. The Lord knew what I could handle, and didn't give me any more than that. :) It was a blessing to me. Here are some pictures from the splash park at the zoo: EEEEEEEE!!!! Always ready to JUMP!

I had all these ideas of how I'd blog this, and now that I'm actually sitting down to do it, I'm drawing a blank. I don't really know where to begin. More importantly; once I begin, will I be able to stop? I am not pregnant. Those four words are ugly all put together like that. Jen and I were discussing at Bible Study on Tuesday night how sometimes you just don't even know what to say to God or how to express yourself, and so the Psalms are helpful to put into words the workings of our hearts. This is true of me today. When I found out this morning that we were not expecting, I just sat there for a few minutes and couldn't even think. I didn't even cry right away. I just sat there trying to pinpoint a single emotion swirling about in my heart. Sadness. Trust (yes, that was there!). Fear. Disappointment. Peace. Emptiness. "My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word." Ps 119:28 "Lord, all my desire is before You: and my...

This is another big thing that has happened in the last week or so... Hang on! For a while we have known that we really didn't want to afford our current house anymore. We bought it in 2006 while Josh was still working very successfully as a mortgage broker. At the time, we could totally afford it. No question. Now? Not so much. Here's what changed: 1. The same month we bought our house, Josh's mortgage company went under AND he lost a valuable partnership that had been bringing in tons of business. 2. Josh and I were just beginning to get our feet wet in the rehabbing business, and made some mistakes that cost us big time. We lost quite a bit of money over 2006-2007. 3. The real estate market's bubble burst and our house now is worth far less than what we paid for it. The bottom line: We need to move into something smaller (ie: more affordable). Last spring/summer we began looking for something we could afford and would like, and found a home that was being sold as a s...

You haven't heard from me in a while. This is because so much has been going on and I haven't had much time to blog. Over the next few days I plan to fill you in on our lives over the last week, so stay tuned! And of course at some point in this week we will find out if we are expecting again. Anyway, as a little diversion, I went yard saleing (that can't be how you spell that. I don't think "sale" was ever intended to be a verb. Oh well.). And do you hear this? I went by myself. This is key! Josh was able to stay home with Noah while I went out for a blissful 45 minutes of yard sales that culminated.... with THIS! Isn't he CUTE?!?! The final yard sale I went to had free kittens. And I have never been able to resist kittens! Somehow all my bad memories of Casper went out the window and I was oohing and ahhing over this little ball of fluff. I called Josh for approval, and brought him home. The lady assured me that I had picked the one that would be the bes...

Noah loves to do things by himself. And more importantly, he likes to feel like he did it himself, even if he didn't really do it himself. He'll try to buckle himself in his carseat, fumble around, finally ask for help and then exclaim triumphantly after I buckle him in, "I DID it!" Big smiles. :) And it got me to wondering if maybe God has the same experience with us as His children. If we like to take all the credit for performing a task that HE helped us with (or did Himself!). The strength for making it through another day, accomplishing our goals in less time than we thought, or having enough money for another month of expenses. Did we really do it? Probably not. These thoughts make me thankful for a God who loves me and who works things out for my good and His glory. And makes me a little more careful to thank Him for His goodness when I'm tempted to shout, "I DID it!"

I wanted to document that today at lunch I caught Noah putting chips in his pocket. I noticed he had been asking for a lot of chips (they were Sunchips Multigrain, okay? Not Lay's-Steeped-In-Oil chips. I'm just saying.), but I hadn't heard a whole lot of crunching coming from him. Then he said, "Pocket!" "What's in your pocket, Noah?" Chips. Saving them for later? I have no idea.

Josh and Noah went for a motorcycle ride last night and came back with these! Noah presented them to me with his now-classic "Thank you!" He doesn't quite get that I was the one who was supposed to say "thank you" and that's what makes it so endearing. That and the fact that this was my very first Weed Bouquet. I hope it won't be my last! I think Weed Bouquets belong in the same category with Refrigerator Art (finger paintings and the like) done by little hands. The effort the child puts into it, then the proud presentation of the Masterpiece.....you just can't help but smile.

I have found the easiest way to keep from thinking obsessively about any given cycle is to stay As Busy As Possible. Yard work. Baking. Having people over. Babysitting. Outings. Projects. Keeping busy is my antidote to thinking about the 2 weeks of waiting. Yesterday and today I babysat Brianne in the mornings so Jen could go work on their house, which is in the finishing stages. We may also babysit tonight, but we'll see. I took a few photos of the two kids after I realized that they both happened to be wearing the gifts brought by Mrs. Fallon when she visited a few weeks ago! Thankfully, both kids were in a cooperative mood, and Noah even kissed Brianne for me. Very Cute. Kiss! Brianne staring at Noah "Who is this strange kid and why do I have to sit next to him?" Also over the last couple of days I've been working out in the yard. We have about 3.2 tons of leaves "decorating" our ground outside and I've taken it upon myself to rid the yard of mos...

Josh and I went in to the doctor this morning for the IUI. It went smoothly, was relatively painless, and now we're in the infamous Two Week Wait. Waiting to find out if this is a "yes" or a "no." If you would like to join us in prayer, you can pray specifically for: 1. A positive result if that is God's will. 2. Peace and trust while we wait and in whatever the outcome. Thanks for praying us through this, and I'll be sure to update when we know more. And now, without further ado, I'm off to take a NAP. I had a pretty crummy night of sleep last night. Noah's asleep + a quiet house+ tired Jo= naptime!

Noah Samuel means, "comfort I have asked of the Lord". What a comfort he is! After our appointment yesterday morning, Josh said, "It just makes me want to go home and hug Noah." Knowing we might never have another child makes the miracle that is Noah seem even more rare and precious. To illustrate, here is a video of Noah "reciting" Ephesians 6:1. I have to feed him each word, but one day he'll get it on his own. For now I'm enjoying the sweetness of his little voice repeating his memory verse. This thrills my soul today. Enjoy!

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways', declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8 We will not be proceeding with IVF. Josh and I went for my appointment this morning and found that the one follicle continued to grow, but none of the others did. Dr. W. gave us the option of continuing with the IVF, but called it "a longshot" (really IVF in itself is a longshot, without having it further complicated by only one egg). We talked about it for a few minutes, going over our 3 options: 1. Call it a failure and cancel everything 2. Proceed with the IVF, knowing how unlikely success would be. 3. Switch gears and move to IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) instead. We chose Door #3. :) Don't worry, I'll explain what that means: IUI is similar to IVF, only instead of harvesting eggs and letting them fertilize in a petri dish and then transferring them back to the womb after they've divided and developed, they let the eggs (or in my cas...

All dressed up for Easter I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Easter! I'm so thankful that the Lord humbled Himself and came to earth to die for my sins and be raised again. I've been thinking about the words to many of my favorite Easter hymns... "Mine, mine was the transgression, Thine, thine the deadly pain." "Where, O death, is now thy sting?" "Hallelujah, what a Savior!" and other such phrases. We had a great day at church, complete with a cantata this evening. Jen's parents were here for the weekend, and they all came over for a scrumptious dinner that we all pitched in and made. Jen and her mom made a smoked ham, hash brown potato casserole, and homemade bread, and I made a salad, lemon pie, and provided drinks. It was a really great Easter dinner; probably the best I've had in years, since we usually just eat leftovers on Sundays (including Easter!). It was also a great one-day "vacation" from thinking about IVF. The...

The Lord is keeping me encouraged and reminding me that He is in control, and that's enough for today. I'm praying my little heart out for my body to do what it is supposed to do, and while I'm waiting for The Appointment on Monday, I'm trying to rest in the strength the Lord gives me for TODAY. Matt and Jen helped with this when they unexpectedly dropped by last night bearing gifts to cheer me up: the beautiful Easter Lily that you see pictured above, and a tiny box of Russell Stover chocolates. I say "tiny" but not in a bad way. That was actually part of the thoughtfulness of the gift--Jen remembered that I am restricted from exercising and she knew how much a big box of chocolates would have called and eventually been consumed by me and the inevitable guilt that would follow. (I'm sure you can relate!) This box contained 4 chocolates. It was, in a word, PERFECT. Sadly, I have no picture to document the chocolates because I ate them all last night. And I...

Today's blood work and ultrasound appointment did Not. Go. Well. The one piece of good news I received was that, unlike what I thought before, I actually have 5 follicles (remember follicles hold the eggs) instead of four. However. Of those 5, only one has grown since the last appointment. One. Uno. I think you get the idea. At the last appointment, all 5 were size 5 or 6mm, (which I know doesn't mean much to most of you, but that's okay; keep reading anyway!) and today, four of them were still size 5 or 6 and one was a size 12mm. They like to see all follicles grow, and to grow at the same rate is especially desired. So, what does this mean? I have another appointment Monday morning. If by then I still have just one follicle that is out ahead of the pack in terms of growth, it will likely mean we will have to cancel the cycle. If the rest have caught up (or even just 2 or 3), we can likely proceed. Cancelling would be Very Very Sad to me, since we have already invested so...

Tonight at Truth Baptist Church we had our first visitor! A man named Len came after seeing our church website and emailing back and forth with Pastor Matt. :) It was encouraging to see the Lord answer a prayer like this. It was also a rebuke to me to keep praying and not give up. Len is a great witness and spends a lot of his time in downtown Jacksonville doing open-air preaching. We studied Peter's denial of Christ tonight, with emphasis on the restoration Christ can bring even after we fail Him. What a great thing to study during the week before Easter! I must admit I'd almost forgotten about Easter in the midst of all this IVF process. But the truth is, Christ died to save me (and you!) and that's more important than anything! Hallelujah, what a Savior!

**The same IVF disclaimer applies to this post. Read only if you want to know!** I couldn't sleep Monday morning. I woke up at 5am and just couldn't go back to sleep! I finally got up around 6:15am and spent time praying for my appointment and the whole IVF in general. The Lord is so gracious to ease our minds when we cast our cares on Him! He truly does care for us. The appointment went well. I had my blood drawn and another ultrasound done. Dr. W. was able to see FOUR follicles growing! (A follicle is a fluid-filled sac which contains the egg. Sometimes a follicle is empty, sometimes it has one egg, and other times it can have more than one egg in it.) I was SO encouraged!!! When we did IVF in 2006, the first appointment only showed 2 follicles, and a third one later emerged. For this ultrasound to show four right off the bat was really an answer to prayer. I go back Thursday morning for another blood draw and ultrasound to check the progress. Thank you to those ...

This afternoon Noah and I were just goofing around and I took a video of it. I figured it might be nice to have a video of Noah just being himself, rather than performing a stunt or something. All that to say, there's not really much point to this video. Nothing major happens; it's just a normal playtime between Mommy and Noah. I thought you'd like to see it! P.S. There seems to be a disconnect between the clarity of the video on my camera and then loaded on this site. On my camera, this video is crystal clear and on here.....well not so much.

Noah has started showing concern about The Dark. When I leave him to go to sleep at night he says, "Dark!" or "Light on!" I've started leaving his door open so he can see the hall light on, and so far that has taken care of his concern. I guess I always thought that fears were learned; like if you've seen fear in someone else, you learn to fear the same things. But I have never given Noah any reason to fear the dark, so maybe I was wrong and certain fears are innate? Hmmm.... He is also afraid of large dogs if they approach him too fast, and has always shown fear to some degree of loud mechanical noises. This fear of the dark is new. It's a little endearing, but I don't want him to become a sissy. This post was mostly for my own memory's sake, so I'm sorry if I've bored you to tears here. :) It was free!

Matt turns 27 on Monday, so we had a party for him tonight. Jen made an awesome dinner with lasagna, corn, homemade bread, and cheesecake for dessert (I brought a salad). It was so tasty! We had a good time as we usually do together just talking and sharing company. The one picture I got was blurry due to lack of flash and the fact that Noah was the photographer (!), so I won't bother posting it. :) Happy early Birthday, Matt!

Earlier in the week I decided I'd had enough and gave Noah his first haircut with the clippers. It took a few minutes to calm him down so he wouldn't be afraid of them, but after that we had success. Here are the pictures: one taken before, one during, and one after.

*** Once again, this post may contain personal information and female words that might make you squeamish. If you are the squeamish type or simply don't wish to know this much information about me, I'd urge you to skip this post.**** This morning Josh and I went in for our official IVF Start Appointment. This means we: (*gulp*) Forked over our entire payment up front. Signed all the paperwork. (Imagine you're buying a car or a house. That's how much paperwork there is to sign and read over.) I had bloodwork drawn as a baseline to which they'll compare the future estradiol levels I had an ultrasound done to make sure there were no cysts (other than my endomtriosis ones) and that we were all clear to go. Went over again how to mix all the medications and give myself the shots. Josh has the option of giving them to me, but neither one of us thinks that's a good idea. He told me he was getting uncomfortable watching the nurse demonstrate how to mix the meds (...

You know what's weird? Writing things on this blog and forgetting about them, figuring no one reads it, and just thinking of it as a journal or an instant Picture Sender for the grandparents (I know at least my mom and Josh's mom read this thing). But that's not what's weird. What's weird is when people I didn't even know read this thing come up to me and mention something I wrote. It's like a very bad deja vu (how do you spell that?) experience. Me: "Wait, what ?" Them: " You know, you wrote that on your blog a few days ago." Me: "I know. But how did you...? You mean you read my blog?" (my face turns three shades of red) Them: "Yes!" Awk. Ward. I mean, I know a blog is pretty public being that it's on the internet and whatnot, but I think the awkwardness factor skyrockets when you think like 3 people read it (and some days I'm convinced I'm the only one who reads it) and find out your audience is...