A Precious Gift
One week ago, I found out I was pregnant. Yes, you read that right. And yes, this is still me we're talking about here. The me who has been trying for more than 10 years, who so far has only been successful with the aid of intense medical help and God's tremendous grace. The very same me who had been told by doctors that it would never happen. Just woke up one day, miraculously pregnant.
I had been feeling strange in the days leading up to it, had even told Josh, "If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was pregnant." Just kind of queasy for no apparent reason. On Tuesday at 10a.m., all I could think about was how heavenly a nap would be, and I took a long one that afternoon. Unheard of. Wednesday morning at 5a.m. I decided to take the test, just so I could go back to sleep and quit thinking, "what if?" Only, I saw two beautiful pink lines and never went back to sleep anyway.
Me, PREGNANT?!?!
What a gift! What a God I serve! What an incredible blessing! I had myself a "Hannah" moment, and read her song of thanksgiving to the Lord in 1 Samuel. Made it my own. I pinched myself all that day, and practiced saying "I'm pregnant" just for the beautiful way it rolls off the tongue. I calculated my due date. January 12 is a beautiful time to give birth, don't you think, when the new year is just beginning? In a moment of giddy abandon I even bought a pair of maternity shorts. Oh yes, I did! I fantasized about how we would tell people--imagine their looks of shock when I told them!--I rode on clouds and praised the Lord the entire day. Being the pregnancy test addict that I am, I also went out and bought 2 more boxes of tests, just so I could have the privilege of seeing those lines pop up again and again, and to watch them get darker as my pregnancy stuck.
But three days later, my "lines" weren't getting any darker. If I'm honest, they had started getting lighter. I began praying harder. By Sunday I had to almost squint to see it at all. That's when I knew the Lord was taking my baby away. He has every right, you know. It wasn't really "my" baby, it was His all along. Like Job testified, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." The Lord had given me a precious gift, and the Lord was taking it away again. I went to the doctor on Monday, just really to confirm what I already knew. Funny how you can know something, but somehow it's worse when you hear it out loud from a doctor. I began to miscarry in the wee hours of this morning.
In my good moments which, praise the Lord, are many, I am utterly grateful for this gift I had: I was knowingly pregnant for an entire week, and got to be pregnant on Mother's Day to boot! I praise the Lord for working what I believed to be impossible into a miracle. I thank Him that He is enough, that His grace is sufficient, and that He promises this trial will work patience in me (James 1). I thank Him that He comforts me and "restores my soul." (Psalm 23) I thank Him that I can fully trust Him to do what is best for me and for His glory. (Rom 8)
And I do cry an awful lot. Josh doesn't know quite what to do with me, I think. :) I'm trusting that over time, the pain of this and the heartache will lessen, and my joy will be unmixed one glorious day. We do serve a great and mighty God! Don't forget that in whatever trial you may be facing; He is enough for you! He promises to be.
I had been feeling strange in the days leading up to it, had even told Josh, "If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was pregnant." Just kind of queasy for no apparent reason. On Tuesday at 10a.m., all I could think about was how heavenly a nap would be, and I took a long one that afternoon. Unheard of. Wednesday morning at 5a.m. I decided to take the test, just so I could go back to sleep and quit thinking, "what if?" Only, I saw two beautiful pink lines and never went back to sleep anyway.
Me, PREGNANT?!?!
What a gift! What a God I serve! What an incredible blessing! I had myself a "Hannah" moment, and read her song of thanksgiving to the Lord in 1 Samuel. Made it my own. I pinched myself all that day, and practiced saying "I'm pregnant" just for the beautiful way it rolls off the tongue. I calculated my due date. January 12 is a beautiful time to give birth, don't you think, when the new year is just beginning? In a moment of giddy abandon I even bought a pair of maternity shorts. Oh yes, I did! I fantasized about how we would tell people--imagine their looks of shock when I told them!--I rode on clouds and praised the Lord the entire day. Being the pregnancy test addict that I am, I also went out and bought 2 more boxes of tests, just so I could have the privilege of seeing those lines pop up again and again, and to watch them get darker as my pregnancy stuck.
But three days later, my "lines" weren't getting any darker. If I'm honest, they had started getting lighter. I began praying harder. By Sunday I had to almost squint to see it at all. That's when I knew the Lord was taking my baby away. He has every right, you know. It wasn't really "my" baby, it was His all along. Like Job testified, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." The Lord had given me a precious gift, and the Lord was taking it away again. I went to the doctor on Monday, just really to confirm what I already knew. Funny how you can know something, but somehow it's worse when you hear it out loud from a doctor. I began to miscarry in the wee hours of this morning.
In my good moments which, praise the Lord, are many, I am utterly grateful for this gift I had: I was knowingly pregnant for an entire week, and got to be pregnant on Mother's Day to boot! I praise the Lord for working what I believed to be impossible into a miracle. I thank Him that He is enough, that His grace is sufficient, and that He promises this trial will work patience in me (James 1). I thank Him that He comforts me and "restores my soul." (Psalm 23) I thank Him that I can fully trust Him to do what is best for me and for His glory. (Rom 8)
And I do cry an awful lot. Josh doesn't know quite what to do with me, I think. :) I'm trusting that over time, the pain of this and the heartache will lessen, and my joy will be unmixed one glorious day. We do serve a great and mighty God! Don't forget that in whatever trial you may be facing; He is enough for you! He promises to be.
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