What Is IVF Like?
Some have been asking me how I feel these days, and what IVF is like to go through. In a word, it's Intense. While I'm feeling physically fine now that I'm off those yucky pills, emotionally and spiritually things have begun to heat up.
IVF creates the perfect storm of obsession. You take a couple who have been trying for years to have a baby, include all their stalled hopes and dreams and plans, add a rigorous and exacting time schedule which must be synchronized and followed perfectly, throw in several dozen self-administered hormone shots (which mess with your emotions), and make it cost thousands of dollars (no pressure to have it work or anything! If it works, it was the best money we could have spent. If not? Well, we don't even want to think about that right now...), and you pretty much have the recipe forObsession IVF in a nutshell.
I find myself praying over this cycle almost every waking minute. Which I guess is good, that this makes me lean on the Lord so much. But I feel trapped. It's not a subject that you just bring up in everyday conversation, and so in the midst of all the obsessive thoughts, there's this sense of being totally alone. It is just a sense, because of course, God is right here with me. He knows the craziness of what this is like for me, and that is comforting.
So what is it like to be me these days? By day I pray and pray and pray, trying to combat the obsessive thoughts that want to pop up, such as:
"What if this doesn't work?"
"If I get pregnant, I'll be due the end of November!"
"I wonder what day the embryo transfer will be?"
"Should I wait to buy a new pair of pants until we find out if this works? Maybe I'll need maternity!"
"If this doesn't work, I hope I have the grace and strength to not be devastated."
"Did I remember my Lupron shot this morning?"
"How many embryos should we transfer?"
"I wonder if I should be exercising right now."
"I probably should eat healthier if I want this to be successful."
"Maybe it will be twins!"
"If it is twins, we'll need to buy a minivan..."
, and by night I dream of positive pregnancy tests, or have nightmares about not making it to my embryo transfer in time. But even in the midst of such a crazy thing as IVF, I must remember that GOD IS IN CONTROL, NOT ME!!! Repeat that 5,000 times. :)
And pray for us please! It helps exponentially just to know people are praying. It's a lifeline for my noisy soul right now.
IVF creates the perfect storm of obsession. You take a couple who have been trying for years to have a baby, include all their stalled hopes and dreams and plans, add a rigorous and exacting time schedule which must be synchronized and followed perfectly, throw in several dozen self-administered hormone shots (which mess with your emotions), and make it cost thousands of dollars (no pressure to have it work or anything! If it works, it was the best money we could have spent. If not? Well, we don't even want to think about that right now...), and you pretty much have the recipe for
I find myself praying over this cycle almost every waking minute. Which I guess is good, that this makes me lean on the Lord so much. But I feel trapped. It's not a subject that you just bring up in everyday conversation, and so in the midst of all the obsessive thoughts, there's this sense of being totally alone. It is just a sense, because of course, God is right here with me. He knows the craziness of what this is like for me, and that is comforting.
So what is it like to be me these days? By day I pray and pray and pray, trying to combat the obsessive thoughts that want to pop up, such as:
"What if this doesn't work?"
"If I get pregnant, I'll be due the end of November!"
"I wonder what day the embryo transfer will be?"
"Should I wait to buy a new pair of pants until we find out if this works? Maybe I'll need maternity!"
"If this doesn't work, I hope I have the grace and strength to not be devastated."
"Did I remember my Lupron shot this morning?"
"How many embryos should we transfer?"
"I wonder if I should be exercising right now."
"I probably should eat healthier if I want this to be successful."
"Maybe it will be twins!"
"If it is twins, we'll need to buy a minivan..."
, and by night I dream of positive pregnancy tests, or have nightmares about not making it to my embryo transfer in time. But even in the midst of such a crazy thing as IVF, I must remember that GOD IS IN CONTROL, NOT ME!!! Repeat that 5,000 times. :)
And pray for us please! It helps exponentially just to know people are praying. It's a lifeline for my noisy soul right now.
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