God's Perspective
As of this morning we were in the middle of an IVF cycle, and then, like a really good dream, it was cancelled this afternoon just when it was getting to the good part. I was already prepared for everything we needed to do next; miraculously I was even mentally ready to give myself the monster shots they call progesterone, and then to eagerly await Monday's transfer and the long-awaited PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) status.
I knew when I saw the nurse's number pop up on my phone that this would not be a good call. I was right. "Your progesterone levels are already too high," she said. Her voice was lacking its familiar cheerful sound. "I"m very sorry. We're going to have to cancel this cycle."
She began telling me what to do next, which surprisingly still included giving myself those dreadful shots. I was in a fog. Surely she didn't just tell me to start the shots tomorrow! But she did. All so we can clean the slate and start all over next month, this time adding another shot which (if you ask me) they should have included in this round in the first place.
This news was too much. All at once I wanted to eat all the desserts. Or cry. I did both. What was there to say? To do? I texted several people and asked them to pray for me, as I was so disappointed that I couldn't really even pray for myself. I mopped the floor sort of numbly, and then while it was drying, I sat down in the living room to read my Bible. By then the Lord was beginning to speak truth into my spinning heart. I find it fitting that God spoke to Job "out of the whirlwind." He spoke to me out of there too.
I read Matthew chapter 2, just simply because it was where I had left off this morning. I'm glad I did, because I was reminded that God fulfilled so many prophecies in the birth and early life of Jesus. He orchestrated so many events; including what I'm sure were confusing and inconvenient household moves for Joseph and Mary. It was all because He was working His perfect plan. What sounded like "Get up...flee to Egypt" (Matt 2:13) was really a master-organized protection plan for His Son, whom Herod was seeking to murder, and at the same time it perfectly fulfilled a prophecy of old which said, "Out of Egypt I called my Son." (Hos 11:1)
So God always has a plan. The plan. If I can just trust Him that He does the same in my life. There is some reason I suffer inconveniences, delays, and dashing of hopes, and I just don't see it right now. But that doesn't mean it isn't best or that God isn't using this very frustrating turn of events to accomplish His will! Though I could have said, "Amen" and stopped there, instead I flipped on over to Job because I always do, and well, you already know what I found there. Job chapters 38-41 always stop my mouth just as they did Job's.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding. Who set its measurements? Since you know... Or who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb...And I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; And here shall your proud waves stop? Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place... Will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that you may be justified? Or do you have an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like His?"
I got up from my couch at peace again, giving thanks and rejoicing in God's perspective on my earthly disappointment.
I knew when I saw the nurse's number pop up on my phone that this would not be a good call. I was right. "Your progesterone levels are already too high," she said. Her voice was lacking its familiar cheerful sound. "I"m very sorry. We're going to have to cancel this cycle."
She began telling me what to do next, which surprisingly still included giving myself those dreadful shots. I was in a fog. Surely she didn't just tell me to start the shots tomorrow! But she did. All so we can clean the slate and start all over next month, this time adding another shot which (if you ask me) they should have included in this round in the first place.
This news was too much. All at once I wanted to eat all the desserts. Or cry. I did both. What was there to say? To do? I texted several people and asked them to pray for me, as I was so disappointed that I couldn't really even pray for myself. I mopped the floor sort of numbly, and then while it was drying, I sat down in the living room to read my Bible. By then the Lord was beginning to speak truth into my spinning heart. I find it fitting that God spoke to Job "out of the whirlwind." He spoke to me out of there too.
I read Matthew chapter 2, just simply because it was where I had left off this morning. I'm glad I did, because I was reminded that God fulfilled so many prophecies in the birth and early life of Jesus. He orchestrated so many events; including what I'm sure were confusing and inconvenient household moves for Joseph and Mary. It was all because He was working His perfect plan. What sounded like "Get up...flee to Egypt" (Matt 2:13) was really a master-organized protection plan for His Son, whom Herod was seeking to murder, and at the same time it perfectly fulfilled a prophecy of old which said, "Out of Egypt I called my Son." (Hos 11:1)
So God always has a plan. The plan. If I can just trust Him that He does the same in my life. There is some reason I suffer inconveniences, delays, and dashing of hopes, and I just don't see it right now. But that doesn't mean it isn't best or that God isn't using this very frustrating turn of events to accomplish His will! Though I could have said, "Amen" and stopped there, instead I flipped on over to Job because I always do, and well, you already know what I found there. Job chapters 38-41 always stop my mouth just as they did Job's.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding. Who set its measurements? Since you know... Or who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb...And I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; And here shall your proud waves stop? Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place... Will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that you may be justified? Or do you have an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like His?"
I got up from my couch at peace again, giving thanks and rejoicing in God's perspective on my earthly disappointment.
Comments